Confused and Scared

I know that I've been really vague lately on this blog, but that has a lot to do with the reasons that I'm confused and scared right now. Personally, I'm relying on good friends and the advice of mentors. Professionally, I'm in a much different place now than I was a year ago when I started my job. I'm not sure what's next and the fear and uncertainty is keeping me up at night.

Here is what I do know: I love helping people. That's why I went to Mongolia with the Peace Corps, that's why I worked in non-profits for five years in Houston, and that's why I got into a job as a Financial Advisor. I like helping people. I'm a "fixer". If you tell me a problem, I'm going to rack my brain to come up with a solution.

Here is what else I know: I work hard. I try my best and everything I do and most of the time I'm successful. Sometimes, I fail miserably. I wonder what period I'm in now. Inventors didn't become great by succeeding their first try.

I take comfort in remembering that.

Oh right

It's 7:30pm and I'm outside sitting on my new patio furniture (that have cushions and everything!), typing in the dark, waiting for Zac to get home from baseball practice. To put this mildly, I have had a bad day. I started crying on the way home while talking to Clicker as he was getting ready to go network with airplane pilots and enthusiasts. I, meanwhile, am thinking about how nice these chairs will be when my home is foreclosed on. At least I'll have somewhere comfortable to sit on the corner underneath the freeway. Yeah...it's been that kind of day.

Here's the round-up from this weekend:

1) Got dumped
2) Got laughed out
3) Got bitched out by a husband because his wife yelled at him
4) Worried that I was being treated differently because of who I want to date
5) Tried unsuccessfully to recruit 50 or so people into my networking group so I can rejoin.
6) Had a massive case of paranoia hit me in waves.
7) Took my computer outside with blatant disregard of South Texas mosquitos.

So, I was dating someone. We went out five times and I'm too scared to even talk about it on my computer. I guess it doesn't matter. I liked the person and now it's over. Back to the single life, although I could really use a pep talk because coming home alone tonight was very, very tough.

When I'm not getting put through the ringer personally, I'm getting it professionally. Sometimes (well, most times) I worry that I don't have enough self-esteem to handle my job. Actually, it's the rejection at the job that revolves around the job that I worry about. Sometimes I can't even pick up the phone to dial because I can sense the rejection. As my recent history clearly indicates, I like to reject myself before others have the chance.

Now I'm home and life with the 8cc of fill in my band is challenging. I've lost 40lbs, but the amount of food I can eat is so small and I get so sick quickly. I get nervous about eating. Right now I'm really hungry, which is a recipe (pun intended) for disaster. So I have to decide: do I just stay hungry or try to eat slowly and try to not get sick?

I need a damn hug.

Just Me

I'm back in the dating world and feeling an attack of self-doubt. I'm torn between telling someone that I'm not what they are looking for and saying, "Just give me a chance. I won't let you down". Ugh, but who am I to rejct myself? Wouldn't someone tell me that they didn't want to be with me if they really didn't? I don't get it.

My sister likes to tell me that if she was single at my age, that she would just stay alone. The older I get, the harder dating becomes. Sigh.