Make That to Go

"Is he coming home with us?" Zac asked me last night, on the way to the car from the restaurant.

"No, babe. He's not."

"Where is he going?"

"He's going to his house. We are going to our house."

"But I want a friend to come over. Do you know who is going to come over?"

"No. I don't. I'll try and see if someone can come over."

Zac's desire to be around other people is getting harder for me as he's getting older. He's a naturally social kid that prefers to play with other kids or be the center of an adult's attention (preferrably two or three adults if they are in a group). I feel like I can't always offer him what he wants, in terms of a playmate or companion. As much as I try to balance his needs with the chores of running a house, going to work, and taking care of myself, I'm finding that Zac is getting more vocal about being alone.

A couple of weeks ago he repeatedly asked me where his Dad was. I told him that his "Dad" (my emphasis) lived in Florida and that he wasn't part of our life right now. He didn't understand. He just kept asking, hoping each time for a different answer.

I found out later that the FOB moved from Florida back to New Hampshire. His sister told me, when I asked if she knew why I had suddenly stopped receiving child support. Since he doesn't actually pay any money to the Texas Child Support Division, his wages are garnished. When he moves, the state that he lives in can't garnish his wages and Zac and I get nothing. I haven't even spoken to the FOB in almost a year-and-a-half.

I'm not even sure what I should do at this point. I requested a review of my case after the three year waiting period, then he started paying more and never heard anything. I could try and contact him through his myspace account, which is the only way that I have to get a hold of him, but what can I possibly say to him that would make him help me in any way? All I have is anger and even that is starting to wane. Righteous indignation is hard to maintain, even when it's justified. What I have now is no easy way to explain to Zac why he's missing half of his parents and easy way to pay all my bills, especially since I quit my second job.

I know that it's important for me to be in school, even if it makes things more financially difficult. I'm trying to find a way out of the same situation that I end up time and again with the FOB, it's just feeling hard today. I'd like a hug with a side order of responsible male role model for Zac. We could use it.

________
Edit: So it turns out that I can still be pissed off, even though it does me absolutely no good. The Writ of Withholding at the Attorney General's Office can only be enforced if they have a known, verified address for the FOB. I only know where he works. He owes $5,825 in back child support, including medical. The State of Texas would have to ask for cooperation from the State of New Hampshire to serve the FOB with an order to appear in court. At least I can still mock him: Anyone want to guess who has a public myspace page?

Free Money!

I haven't been able to write because I'm in the midst of having a $300 panic attack. Normally my anxiety costs me little beyond an upset stomach and calorie consumption in the form of chocolate chip cookies. Not this time.

This time I was sitting in Zac's room, folding up his fall and winter clothes that might have a prayer of still fitting him when the temperatures dip under 90 degrees, when the feeling that something was wrong hit me full force. My chest tightened up with every pair of pants that I folded. By the time I got to his closet, I was breathing in and out of my mouth with my hands on my hips trying to not hyperventilate. I was scared, panicky, uncertain, and bowled over by the immediate sense of wrongness that packing Zac's clothes was inspiring. By dinner time, I was crying freely and nonplussed by Zac's refusal to, once again, eat anything that doesn't come out of a box produced by Nabisco.

The feeling lasted on throughout the week. I decided to do some more research on the apartment complex that I had put down a deposit for. Before deciding to rent the place, I had toured at least 30 other apartments. In the Greater Houston area, there are two types of apartments: 1) Luxury units that I can't afford; 2)Old and shabby units that have appliances older than I am. Since I'm not made of money, I went on a quest to find the nicest old and shabby unit that I could find within my budget.

I thought I had found it. It was a complex about 6 miles from where I work. It was built in 2003, has a beautiful floor plan, great amount of square footage, and comes with a washer and dryer. I jumped on it. The thing about the housing crisis, even in cities like Houston which have been largely inoculated against the economic problems of the rest of the country, apartments go fast. Even the apartments that I looked at three months ago are now completely full. They've started waiting lists on places. Fewer people are moving out and purchasing homes. I was tired of finding a nice place only to learn that they didn't have any units to rent. When I found out that this apartment had units available, I couldn't go and cash in my money order quick enough.

That's the first problem: the apartment doesn't take checks for the application fee ($85) or the deposit ($200). Both the application fee and deposit are non-refundable within 48 hours. I had to get separate money orders for each. The second problem is that the apartment is located in an incredibly depressed, poor part of Houston. I figured that I would trade grocery shopping at night for a washer and dryer.

That didn't quite work out though.

In my haste to secure the apartment, I didn't do enough research. When I started researching the complex, I found out that it wasn't just the sale of drugs that was the problem, both in and outside the apartment gates, it was blatant drug use that most people complained about. People openly smoking weed and blaring their music. Car theft was one of the most commonly reported crimes, followed shortly behind attempted murder.

It's taken a couple days to realize that there is no way that I can move into this place with a toddler. I'm not even sure that I would move in if I was living by myself.

What's interesting is that prior to this period in my life, I never second-guessed myself. I knew within the first two days of my visit to Smith that I was going to go there for college. I didn't hesitate before signing up to go to Oxford for a year. I think I maybe looked at Mongolia on a map before I joined the Peace Corps (maybe). I have always been the type that just jumps and hopes for the best.

Lately, my jumping has been off-target. I second-guess my decisions now after a string of life events seemed to indicate that I need to think more before making life-changing decisions. Although, I also think that I need to listen to my instincts. Something is telling me that it's wrong to move into this apartment. It was an instinct that drove me to research the place further. I often wonder if I should listen to my instincts more, like I used to before I ended up alone with a child.

The only way I can wrap my mind around a $300 mistake is to think of other times that I've given away money to large corporations or governmental entities. In so certain order, here is a list of the times that I seem to be giving away free money:

1. Car Insurance Premium ($500). I've hit two cars in the past 12 months. ($500 x 2 = $1000) for the privilege of getting my car fixed by the company that I pay $102 each month to.
2. Health Insurance Co-Pays ($25 - $45). I see my primary care physician at least twice a year ($25 x 2 = $50) and I've seen my OB-Gyn at least four times in the past year ($45 x 4 = $180).
3. Dental Insurance Co-Pays ($75-$600). I'm not even sure you can call these co-pays. I'm still at a loss to figure out what exactly dental insurance really does. I had six cavities filled (approx. $400), two root canals ($150 x 2 =300, not including the crown) and one root canal redone ($75).
4. Speeding ticket ($225 fine), Driver's Safety Course ($25), Request Copy of Driving Record ($10).
5. Failure to control speed when I rear-ended a school bus ($195 fine).
6. Three year gym membership to a place that I'm lucky if I go to once every three months ($49 x 12 x 3 = $1764)
7. Ez-Pass sticker on my car to be able to drive on a tax payer-funded toll-road ($40 x 4 = $160)
8. Apartment rent on the apartment I subleased for 8 months when I moved back in with my parents ($75 x 8 = $600)
9. Fees on a potential apartment. ($85 application fee + $200 non-refundable deposit = $285).
10. Fees on new potential apartment after getting the shit scared out of me by researching the first potential apartment ($35 application fee + $75 administration fee + $150 deposit = $260).

Let's add that all up and we get to...$5,529. Provided I stop rear-ending vehicles and getting fined for going over the speed limit, I could drastically reduce the amount of money that I give away.

Put into this perspective, line item#9 appears minor in comparison. Losing $285 on an apartment where I might have to deal with weed-smoking, car-jacking neighbors, doesn't seem that bad. In fact, it might be one of my better decisions to let the money go. Instead of donating to charities, I might just start donating to corporations, just to do my part to keep the local economy afloat and all.