A Heaviness

I'm not sure what is going on with me (other than my computer seems to be boycotting the "t" button on the keyboard, which is frustrating). I hate that work has such a hold over me, but as I sit in my 1980's house that was decorated by an octogenarian, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be able to keep enjoying my shag carpeting. Everything is fleeting and I was never confident that I could stay in house. It was too tenuous, too much of a risk for a single woman with a child.

Now I don't want to get out of bed. I think, "if I stay in bed, I can stop time. I can live inside my own brain and not have to interact with anyone. I can exist". Let's be honest. This is an improvement over where I've been recently in my life - when existing seemed harder than not existing. Now I can continue as long as I'm unconscious.

Going to work in the mornings is getting harder and harder. I'm not sure what to do. Just sleep I suppose. Sleep and therapy and maybe some soft blankets and old stuffed animals.

In the Market

I've sat on this blog post for a couple of days, which must mean that I'm maturing a bit because normally I would have just let it fly on the Internet and see where everything landed. Although my job constantly reminding me about our "social media" policies where I'm forbidden to talk about work and warned against "posting overly personal information" might have something to do with this.

Let's see...what can I tell you? I broke a handful of rules at work and I thought I was going to be fired. I actually broke rules that I didn't even know were rules. That's not surprising given how highly regulated the finance industry is. I sometimes wonder if I should get approval before e-mailing. So, my boss was out of the office for a week and that entire week I was convinced that he was going to come back and fire me. I do an amazing impersonation of Chicken Little.  I'm told that I'm overly dramatic for no reason. I think it has more to do with being fired or asked to quit from more jobs than I can shake a stick at.

I actually received a written warning and I've decided to continue on at the firm where I'm working. It's a great firm and a great opportunity, but there's another problem (there always is, right? If there weren't, what on Earth would anyone blog about).

I've been at this firm for about a year. I'm starting to get comfortable at work with my coworkers, but if I've learned anything about myself it's that I have absolutely no tact or sense of foreboding. Basically, I jump before I think - in regards to everything, particularly to personal relationships. I suck and I'm shocked that anyone ever wants to be friends with me. I can't tell you how many times I've had to apologize for being myself. Here's the cycle: I get comfortable and stop faking or monitoring my actions or reactions; I stick my neck out and do something that I'll later categorize as "stupid"; I realize that it's stupid because I hurt the people around me or make them think that I don't have a lick of common sense; I apologize; I go back to faking my actions and reactions. The cycle goes on and on.

For everyone that says "just be yourself and everything will be ok" hasn't had to apologize for being themselves as much as I have. Just saying. I don't know where you learn common sense for relationships, but I'd like to. Any ideas? I'm in the market, in more ways than one.