Me: At Almost 12 weeks

I'm not really sure where the last six weeks have gone. It's just a blurry haze of feeding, pumping, diapering, and trying to figure out a night schedule that allows both KGII and I to get enough sleep. Ben is doing swimmingly and he has a post coming soon about his progress at 12 weeks.

I can tell you what I haven't done in the past 12 weeks and that is take care of myself. Right around 7 weeks post partum, I went out with a group of friends and broke my rib after falling after a stage. I wish I could say that I was performing - either singing or guitar - when I fell 4ft backwards onto concrete, but I wasn't. Turns out that 10 months of sobriety leads to a very low alcohol tolerance and I was up on a platform with no guide rails and fell. The rib actually broke when another woman landed on top of me. Rib fractures are incredibly painful and here in week 11, it is still tender when I lay either face down or face up on hard-ish surfaces (like a doctor's or chiropractor's office). Picking up and putting down a 10-13lb baby has been difficult to say the least. Then you add in carrying a baby in a hugely heavy car seat or pushing a stroller and things are just downright painful. I had one ambitious trainer at my gym call me to set up times for my last three training sessions, but I had to cancel each time because I was still in pain. Finally, it's starting to get better.

Up through 10 weeks, I hadn't lost a single pound during this post partum period. This is me in all my fat glory at Easter, with two very unhappy children.

It looks like Ben is trying to crawl up Zac's arm and Zac kept saying he couldn't see anything because it was too bright out (but how freaking cute does he look in that button down? Ben is also in a button down as well). We are just going to label this picture "Before" on the weight loss spectrum. Here's a gratuitous picture of my boys from that day, after the Easter egg hunt, just because.

Here is a slightly better picture of us. Note the artful cropping to get rid of my arm fat a finger in the top left hand corner.

 

 

At least Zac is smiling, even if he's still squinting, and I look like a terrible mother for not supporting Ben's neck.

 

I had 5.5 ccs put back in my lap band yesterday and immediately it felt like I was swallowing my tongue. I posted on facebook that getting my band filled was roughly equated with being pregnant, a sensation that I hadn't in fact missed. With 6.5 ccs in my band, I feel like I can throw up at a moment's notice and have puked almost every time I've tried to eat something other than soup or jello. So, for now at least, I'm on a soft food/liquid diet. According to the scale, in the past week I've lost six pounds.

 

As for me, emotionally, I have good days and bad days. The intense feelings of inadequacy and failure that I had when Zac was born are only fleeting with Ben, but still present sometimes. I feel like he would be better off with anyone other than me, but then he smiles and I realize that I have it all wrong. The most frustrating part about being post partum with a history of depression is how people respond to me. One of the least helpful responses I've heard was, "Well, what did you expect?" when I feel down. I expect you to be a decent human being and I expect you to understand that no one could have predicted how I would feel during a hormonal top spin. What's been the hardest is that I can't take some medication while I'm pumping and breast feeding. Ben and I have never fully committed to learning how to breast feed, so I mostly pump and then feed him in a bottle. I'm not even sure how long that is going to last because my supply is rapidly diminishing, which makes me sad sometimes. Other times, I'm ready to end my relationship with my pump. Another pumping mother said there should be a medal for every woman who has had her nipples sucked through a funnel.

 

All and all, I'm ok. Going back to work Monday, May 6th for the first time since November 2, 2012. I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams about work and in general and my anxiety has definitely increased on a day-to-day basis, but right now I feel strangely calm. I completed a FINRA mandated continuing education course today, which has helped me feel more on top of things. It was also a good refresher on what I need to do to act in my client's best interest every day. When I was in intensive therapy while pregnant, my therapist said something that resonated with me. She said, "The best thing you can do every day is just keep doing the next best thing. Don't think about where you've been or where you are going. Just focus on doing the right thing every place you have a chance, as it comes to you." I thought about my current and future clients a lot with this in mind.

 

I feel like I'm at the start of a new beginning, as scary and unpredictable as that can be.