Scared

The last time I was this scared, I think I was gestating a human being. I participated in an interactive chat with the admissions department of my first choice school and left feeling like I was going to be ill. Most of the other applicants were foreign students asking questions about Visas and TOEFL waivers. Then of course there were the applicants that said they had been working in finance for seven years and wondered if it was really necessary for them to take the GMAT. Question after question rolled in about the number of applicants this year in response to economic downturn. The admissions department firmly refused to answer questions about how many applications they had received and responded to. All I know is that 120 students will comprise the Class of '11 in their full-time MBA program and another 120 in the nights and weekend MBA program.

I also learned that the average GMAT score was a 660, not a 620 as I had thought.

I sank a little lower in my chair when I read that. I thought I was a strong applicant before I started studying for the damn test. I have a great GPA from a good school, but do I really know what I'm doing applying for business school? I feel like I know so little about so much that I don't even know what I'm ignorant about.

All of this has brought up many of the insecurities that I keep down most of the time. I feel fat and lazy - disgusting. I haven't exercised in over two months and when I scratch the back of my arm, I can feel my back fat roll around my bra strap. I can't even really stand to look in the mirror, especially since I had another chin procedure done last week and I'm swollen and bruised. I've been falling asleep at work for the past two weeks, even though I've made a conscious effort to stop that behavior - mostly because I like to think that I can control it. I can't say, "I need to push myself harder" because I can't. Even after sleeping a 8-9 hours a night, I still fall asleep mid e-mail. I can't wake up before Zac and study. I can barely get myself out of bed. I can study after he goes to sleep at night, as long as I never try to get less than 8 hours of sleep. Less than that and curbs around Houston start to quiver with concrete fear when they see the front tires of my car aimed for them when I fall asleep while driving.

I wish I had less to do at work. Right now every task is taking me longer than I expect because I can't actually focus on one thing in particular. My mind is everywhere and nowhere. The only thing that I can count on is the feeling of failure in my stomach and anxiety constricting my chest.