Central America

I'm not sure how time keeps getting away from me. I'm lucky if I make it home from work without sharp pain in my hands and arms. Turning on the computer to blog is the last thing that I want to do and Zac ends up playing on the computer most nights after he takes a bath, so it's easier to just lie on my couch and read or watch television.

I'm in Guatemala now and an unbelievably beautiful college campus in a lush, tropical capital city. If the capital is this beautiful, I can't imagine what the rest of the country must look like. I just posted on Facebook, being in a place like this makes me wonder why America (and Houston being the worst offender) tore down all the trees and vegetation in the name of progress and commerce. Houston is so ugly that it hurts some times.

Yet I digress. I have a burning issue that I need to get out. Basically, about three months ago, I was evaluated for lap band surgery. My weight had gotten so high that I was uncomfortable and I can't help but wonder if my physical pain is compounded by the amount of weight I'm carrying around. I'm huge. I know I've said that before, but really....now I have photographic evidence.

This picture was taken of me in Panama, standing outside with my professor and a couple of classmates. I didn't even recognize myself at first glance. Damn, I can't upload it, but trust me when I say that I'm not exaggerating. I look round...everywhere. My face, my arms, my stomach. I'm round. Now I'm second guessing my decision to wait until I finish my graduate program to get the surgery. I've been trying to diet on my own, but it's not working. I feel stuck and everytime I weigh myself and the scale doesn't move, I feel like a failure. Then I eat to make myself feel better. Then I'm disgusted by how much I ate...and the cycle continues.

There isn't much I can do, except start exercising during my lunch hour, which is a possibility. I'm not sure. I'm in such a stressful, hard part of life with Zac learning and growing more every day, yet not being completely independent and me in school and working full-time.

Ugh....that's all I've got for a conclusion...ugh.