No, I Didn't Use Cocaine

and I should probably that specify that I don't currently, nor have I ever, used cocaine. But, man, the questionnaire I completed tonight made me feel like maybe I did and just didn't remember it. You see, if you hang out with Zac for any length of time, you notice some...how do I put this...oddities in his speech. He stutters over words that start with "s" and he sometimes takes giant pauses and rolls his eyes so far up into his head like he's trying to forcibly eject a word from his brain.

To put in polite terms, Zac has speech dysflucenices that have persisted longer than they should. It's all cute when a three year-old says the Earth is the "Earf", but it's a little more troubling when a six year-old says "the" a lot like "fuh".

Zac's therapist was actually the one that brought it to my attention that maybe I would want to look into Zac's speech problems with his school. He said a speech problem wasn't going to help him keep and make friends anytime soon and I actually agreed with him for the first time. So, I set the Special Education wheel a'rollin and I feel a little like I've just been run over by a train. Zac was diagnosed as in need of testing. He was sent home with a packet of materials tonight for me to fill out. Here are a list of incredibly detailed questions they asked (just a small sample, really. The questionnaire was over five pages long, 10 point font):

• My highest educational status
• Who has legal custody of Zac
• Place of residence of parent that lives in the home (hahahaha....oh wait, that one isn't supposed to be a joke. Can I say the general VT/NH area with a smattering of "I don't know. He evades the law"? Wait, no, I can't. The box isn't big enough. Sigh)
• Problems during pregnancy with child? Weight gain? Medications (dosage and frequency), Persistent emotional stress and/or anxiety (wait, is this one another joke? Of course, I checked the box! Why do you even have to ask?)
• How long labor was? Was it natural, induced, were forceps used? Was their a C-section? (and then I started wondering..how long was my labor? Was it 30 or 36 hours? Yes, I was induced and yes, I had a c-section.)
• What age did the child complete bowel training? Bladder training?
• Did your child show any delays in gross motor development, such as sitting, crawling, walking, and dressing? (oh jeez, I think this deserves its own post)
• List of serious accidents, operations, and hospitalizations?
• Frequent ear infections? Persistent sore throat? Headaches? Tubes in ears? (God, those were a rough three years. Yes, yes, yes, and yes)
• Has disciplining the child been strict? lenient? (how do I answer that? I wrote in "kind of")
• How does the child spend leisure time?
• Is there any unusual family circumstance, crises, or trauma that may be affecting your child? (What's the sad part is Zac's family circumstance isn't particularly unusual anymore. He just doesn't have a father).

Then I felt lonely and sad. I want to talk to someone about Zac because right now, I'm convinced that my Zoloft use during my pregnancy, regular bouts of emotional stress inutero, and complete non-relationship with the FOB have caused my child to stutter. I'm really to blame here, right? I'm such a girl.
Zac's tucked away in bed and my cat is getting drunk from the heat that my cable box is putting off. Right now, I'm just holding tight to the knowledge that I've never used cocaine, whether before, during, or after my pregnancy. I have that, at least.