I Catheter You, You Catheter Me

I can't really make up a story that is as entertaining and embarrassing as the one I'm about to tell. That's my disclaimer. Well, that, and I'm a complete moron with little to no functional medical knowledge. There's that. But I know my sister loves it so much when I call and tell her "I've got this rash..." and ask her diagnose me over the phone so much that I figure I'll never have to actually bust out WebMD anymore. Why do I need a website when I have a live call operator standing by that actually cares about me? In truth, if you really want to piss off a doctor-in-training, call them with a medical question, be unsure about your symptoms, have all of your complaints lead back to a rash they can't see, and wait for hilarity to ensue.

Anyways, I've well established on this blog that I'm thrifty (read: very poor for a very long time. Even when I have money, I still feel poor. A sociologist would call it a mindset). I happen to be in a medical supply store in my town this morning (don't ask why. The answer would really confuse you) and I was like, "Hey! I'm in a medical supply store! I didn't even know we had one of these in this town. I bet they have the perfect answer for that catheter/syringe combo that I posted about yesterday". Yes, I tried to out-DIY the DIY home insemination kit that the sperm bank was charging $23 bucks for (not including shipping and handling).

So, I'm walking around this store with Clicker (don't ask) and he says, "Hey, there are some catheters over there. You should check them out". I did a little happy dance and walk over to a shelf that has probably 30 or so catheters in an unceremonious pile. I pick up one that was easily 24" long. It looked something like this:

This looks like something that would work, except it would bust right out of uterus and probably hit my bladder, which I think is the point of a catheter (minus the uterine eruption I assume).

For the record, I did see catheters that looked like this, and I immediately recognized they wouldn't work:

 I ask the guy that we're talking to if he thinks it would be ok for me to cut a catheter down to size. Because really? How much of that do I need? Maybe six inches? He looks at me like I've just asked him if I can take a shit on a walker and leave it there. He says, "Why would you want to cut it down?" and I'm faced with the horrible decision of either telling this man who already distrusts me, "I'd like to shoot sperm into my vagina with it" or completely lying. Only problem is that I'm a horrible liar, especially when put on the spot. I mean, I'm really, really bad. Crazy shit just pops out of my mouth. I decide to tell a half-truth and say, "....umm....it's for a....home procedure". Guess what you shouldn't say to a medical supply salesman while holding an apparently very large, very male catheter? Yeah, don't say that you are going to use it at home on someone. Just trust me on this.

To this guy's credit, he gently takes the catheter out of my hand and shows me where the female catheters are, while saying, "Well, you probably tell people not to trade stocks by themselves. I tell people not to catheter themselves at home," which honestly sounds like good advice all the way around. The female catheters are much more reasonably sized, although now I have this guy peppering me with questions: "Do you need an intermediate catheter? Does someone in your house need a permanent one like they use in a hospital or do they just plug it in when they have to go? Did you technician tell you what size you need? They come in all different sizes."

I wish I could say that I had a witty comeback, but I'm just staring at this guy wondering how I could make a quick exit and not sound like I'm committing elder abuse on someone that can't go to the bathroom by themselves in my home. I put down the catheter, walk away and smugly think, "That bitch only cost $1.40. Totally worth the embarrassment and humiliation. I just saved $21.60".

If this is what winning looks like, you can only imagine how horrifying it must be to be me when I lose.

Breaking News

The biopsy results came back very vaguely. All the pathologist wrote was that it was NOT herpes or HPV (Thank God!). The report went on to say that I had "inflammatory tissue", but there was no known cause. So, good news, the cells weren't precancerous or disease-ridden. Bad news, my cells are pissed off and they can't figure out why.

You know what pissed off cells feels like "down there?" It's like someone is trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together...for a good four or five hours. In even better news, I'm on my third period in 8 weeks. All this ovulation and disintegration down there makes me tired. I also have a severe bacterial infection in my throat and nose so I'm on antibiotics. On the upside, I got a strong dose of ibuprofen that really works on my cramps, even if my throat still hurts.

In other news, I'm narrowing down my reproductive options. Clicker received a call from his Mom based off my blog post (Hi Mrs. Clicker!!!) where she learned that her son might help me. His reasons and his decisions are solely his alone to disclose, but I will say he has opted out of the process.

I've been looking more at alternative insemination at home. The cost is less because I would be purchasing intra-cervical insemination sperm (ICI), which has been washed less than intra-uterine insemination sperm (IUI). I can also do ICI sperm at home, with the help of handy kits. No, I'm not kidding. They actually sell DIY insemination kits. They look like this:

Its fairly horrifying at first glance, but upon closer inspection, it's all relatively innocuous (ok, if you aren't squeamish and the catheter like attachment to the syringe doesn't freak you out.) I'm positive these supplies aren't worth $23 + shipping and handling, but I really don't know where I would purchase the catheter besides the site I was looking on. I actually own that exact brand of cup to collect the sperm that gosh darnit, tried really hard, but couldn't make it to the egg. The pregnancy test looks like a generic from CVS.

I have further thoughts about doing this myself, but I need more time to think about them. I just thought that I would announce in the "Breaking News" post that I'm heading in that direction, for better or worse.