7w 1d

This post should really be called, "Bitchfest 2012: Edition 1".

As always, I'm trying to figure out if my symptoms are heightened this time around or if I'm just more knowledgeable about pregnancy and more aware of the subtle changes in my body. I got into the bath tonight after work and realized that my access to prenatal information was extremely limited when I was pregnant with Zac. We didn't have Internet access in the house in New Hampshire that I lived in and can remember going to the library a couple of times to go online. Even though it was only seven-and-a-half years ago, it might as well been the dark age. Even more surprising than my lack of Internet was the fact that I didn't buy any books about pregnancy. I honestly went through most of my first trimester completely in shock, wondering if I had ovarian cancer instead of a fetus.

So, this time it's an overload of information. I've seen more pictures of 6 and 7 week old embryos than one woman should (and yeah, quite frankly, they are freaky looking). Every time I read an article about first trimester pregnancy symptoms I feel like I should have a checklist handy:

• morning sickness (nausea and vomiting): Check
• heightened sense of smell: check
• sore breasts: check (sometimes it hurts to walk, even with a bra on)
• constipation: check (I miss pooping)
• food cravings: check (cheese, anyone?)
• food aversions: check
• peeing constantly: check
• acne: check
• insufferable hormonal moodiness that makes me fear interacting with humans: check
• insomnia and bad dreams: like you wouldn't believe. I haven't woken up to an alarm clock in more than a month. I also go to bed at 8:30pm at night. That makes getting up at 4:30am a little more bearable.

Did I mention that I live in Houston, in late July/early August? It's hot here. I mean, really, really hot. You know what happens in the heat, even when you are only outside to transition from air conditioning to other air conditioning? You sweat. A lot. There is actually a quote from me in an article on pregnancy during the summer talking about how much I sweat (you're welcome, Zac!). What's killing me is not so much other smells as is my own stench. My armpits, in between my legs, my hair...everything stinks and makes me gag. It's distracting at work and no amount of anti perspirant /deodorant could mask this (I should know, I apply twice daily). I smell earthy, like if you were to dig a small hole in dirt after the rain, and musty like a winter coat in August. I'm not sure how anyone actually stands to be around me, to be perfectly honest. Now I'm just trying to figure out if I've always smelled like this and no one has been kind enough (or cruel enough) to tell me to my face or if I'm imagining smells with my super powered nose. If I had a partner I would offer to smell them to see if I'm sensitive to everyone's smell or just my own, but since I don't, I'll spare you the awkwardness of having to write about being repulsed by someone else.

I don't want to jinx myself, but after a rough weekend, I seem to have turned a corner with the morning sickness. Well, at the very least I'm hopeful after two good days without clutching my stomach in pain and avoiding food at all costs. Thanks to a couple of Sonic milkshakes and a strong love of cheese in all its wondrous forms, I've gained 2.5lbs. I'm hoping to impress my Ob-Gyn with the weight gain tomorrow.

Ahh..tomorrow. I'm both nervous, excited, and trying not to feel anything at all. We (yes, KGII said he wanted to come) are going back for a second try at the pregnancy viability appointment. I'm going to have another transvaginal ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. There is no reason to think that I wouldn't see one, other than the fact I'm totally freaked out and convinced that I'm going to lose the baby. Those completely irrational hormones coursing through my body are doing a number on my reproductive self-esteem. I have no reason not to trust my uterus, but I just don't this time around. Just pat my head, tell me I'm pretty and don't stink, and that everything is going to be ok.

Be on the look for another ultrasound picture tomorrow.