23w 2d (HMO Avoidance)

Dear Large HMO,

Please don't read this post.

Sincerely,
B
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Some of my favorite bloggers are blogging every day and it has inspired me to write more. I have no idea what happened to 22w of pregnancy. I'm not even sure how I've been off work since November 1st and today is the 20th. Where the hell did the time go?

I can tell you that in week 22 of my pregnancy, I had a complete mental breakdown. Part of it stemmed from a horrible ill-fated lunch that I went on with someone very close to me (sorry for the vagueness, it's necessary) and how it affected me. Part of it was feeling rejected and ignored by another person. The left-right punch combined with my new meds (anyone need a mood stabilizer booster? Cuz I've got a good one for you. Downside - it may cause a life threatening rash and may increase naseua in already sick pregnant women) lead to a night of histrionically sobbing on my couch. I took my night time drugs and couldn't fall asleep, what with all that sobbing at and. Then I woke up at 4am and turned on a DVR'd episode of "A Baby Story" (because I'm a masochist apparently) and then started sobbing again. I woke KGII up at 5:30am by climbing in his bed, still sobbing. KGII didn't want to leave me alone so I texted my Dad for pregnant sitting duty. He came over, very confused, at 7:30am. We went out to breakfast and then the grocery store. I only started crying twice with my Dad. Then I came home, canceled one of my many eye appointments, and crawled into bed. That was at 10am. Yeah, then I got out of bed at 10am to take my night meds and got back into bed. I fell asleep until 6am and then back asleep at 10am.

So that happened, which is going to make my next statement seem particularly ridiculous. Wait. Before I make that statement, let me tell you that my large HMO decided that my short term disability claim was a behavioral health claim instead of a medical claim. Suck on that for a moment. I'm in my second trimester and have been hospitalized four times for pain related to my pregnancy and my insurance company decided that I was more crazy than sick. I called and talked to the disability people and was like, "My medical health influences my mental health and then my mental health influences my behavioral health. It's Dante's 7th circle of Hell. You can't just evaluate one side of my health" to which they said, "Oh yeah. I'm pretty sure we can".

Ok, back to my statement: I'm not sure I'm sick enough to be off work. I have huge amounts of guilt and anxiety related to walking away from my job, especially since the insurance company hasn't approved my claim yet. I'm supposed to be in an intensive outpatient therapy program, but one wanted a 12 week commitment and the other has been full for two weeks and won't open up until after Thanksgiving. I see the Maternal and Fetal Psychiatrist every 2-4 weeks. I need to make an appointment to see my regular shrink. I started outpatient therapy and will start DBT group next week. But, I've been more depressed and mentally sicker in the past. When I left work, I thought I would continue to get physically sicker, with more hospitalizations and more bed rest. Instead, the opposite has happened. I am physically healthier since I've been off work. I had one of my best Ob-Gyn appointments at 21 weeks that I've had in easily 2 months. Sure, I still puke every morning. I still use Zofran like it's going out of style. I nap a lot and I go to a metric buttload of appointments.

But am I crazy enough to be off work for another 17 weeks? I'm not so sure.