Desolate

I wish I could describe how alone I feel when I fight for child support. It's like the entire system is set up to protect the rights of parents that don't have chosen not to contribute to their child's life, either financially or emotionally. In order to proceed with a modification of our child support order, the Attorney General's Office needs to verify the FOB's income, which means that he needs to be at a job for more than six months. THEN, they need his home address to serve him with the order to appear in court. All he has to do is keep moving and changing jobs and he can get away with not paying. What's worse is that if he keeps waiting tables and making $2/hour the state will garnish only his actual paycheck, and I get $20 every other week to help raise Zac. I was told by the AG's office that in that situation, they almost never go after men because "at least they are paying something." It makes me want to scream and kick.

It just feels so wrong. It's not only that he owes me money, it's the principle behind it. In my job I write grants to provide people with the services and education they need to change their life, to make what is unfair and unjust a little better. Yet, no one fights for me. No one can. I feel invisible, ineffective, and trapped. If I give up, then I'm condoning the actions of the FOB and I can't do that. I can't do that for Zac and I can't do that for myself.

What's even more isolating is that some of my friends think that the money isn't worth the anger and sadness that it brings me to fight for it. I try to explain that: 1) The money is worth it and I don't have the luxury of not pursuing it because of my financial situation, and 2) It makes it harder when I have to defend and justify my actions. I feel even more alone. I'm sorry that five years later, I'm still talking about the FOB and how upset it makes me. I'm sorry that you have to listen. I'm sorry that I'm not financially wealthy enough and don't have enough forgiveness in my heart to not pursue him with vengeance. I just can't. Not right now at least.

I want him to know that every time he turns around, the government will be there trying to garnish his wages. Every time he files his taxes, the IRS will take everything. I want him to know that he can't apply for a passport, get a house mortgage, or apply for a credit card. But none of these things matter to the FOB. That's the hardest thing for me to know. None of it matters and I'm back to waiting and feeling so alone.