30w 4d (Nesting)

If we're friends on facebook you might have been wondering why I've suddenly become obsessed with setting a bonfire in my front lawn. If you guessed it had something to do with KGII, then you would probably be correct.

To be honest, I'm surprised that I've lasted 7.5 months with him living in my nursery. I didn't realize how much it was impacting me until I was in therapy yesterday and they were talking about honoring our private reality. For me, I've known logically that pregnancy is essentially a nine month long fantasy. You can't see or touch the baby that you rationally know is inside you, so you imagine the baby that will come at the end of the high blood pressure, acne, pelvic pain, and shortness of breath. My nesting instinct is starting to kick into high gear and I have almost nothing for the baby. I have a crib and changing table that I bought when I was working. KGII is currently using those as storage chests. Last weekend, in a marathon of shopping (ok, three hours a day, which is my max), I bought a bouncer, replaced the ceiling fan in my room to prepare for bed rest/post C-section recovery, and more baby clothes. Yesterday I bought an ottoman for the living room, which seems odd, until I tell you that it has a shelf underneath the padding where I thought I could put baskets and hold toys in the living room. All of my purchases have the baby in mind.

KGII doesn't understand this biological need at all. He thinks since we can't eat baby supplies, that we shouldn't buy them right now. I'll admit, that finances are tight (ok, incredibly tight) and most of my purchases have come from me returning Christmas gifts and buying baby gear. KGII keeps saying that it's only a problem that we don't have anything for the baby in two months. I am scared to death of post partum hormones, baby only sleeping two hours at at time, and not being able to drive or move after a C-section. I've had to remind him several times that the hospital won't let us leave with the baby unless we have a car seat (which we don't have).

Sometimes I look at crib sheets and I get sad because I can't even see the crib mattress, let alone imagine washing a sheet and putting it on the crib. I think about decorating the nursery, but it's stuffed with a queen size inflatable mattress. My therapist encouraged me to see that with all things, there is both the negative and the positive and KGII living in my nursery was taking the possible joy I could be experiencing from my pregnancy. I don't blame him, per se, I blame the situation.

We had a blow out fight the other night because I felt like he wasn't doing enough and he felt like he was doing more than enough. I don't know what is going to happen. I have an empty front room that he can move into or he can move out. I'm fairly neutral except that I know I can't go on any longer having my fantasies of my baby stolen by the reality of my house. Waiting until the baby is born to buy any supplies makes me feel panicky and full of anxiety. I've never been known for my skill of waiting patiently.

The next 8.5 weeks feel like a county jail sentence. My friends keep telling me that I'm almost done and I should be excited. Right now I'm angry and I want my nursery back. Anyone in the mood for a bonfire?