19w 5d

I'm not sure where to start this blog post. I made a commitment to blog my way through this pregnancy so I could look back on these posts and remember what I was thinking and going through at the time, like I can with Zac's pregnancy now. It's just...I'm so scared and defensive about my decisions that's it's hard to write about.

One of the things that some people find difficult about my job is that I can't tell them what's right and wrong. I joke that if I had a crystal ball, Warren Buffet would be calling me for advice from my beach island. So since I don't have a crystal ball, I have to try and explain all the risks to my clients about their investments without scaring the crap out of them. I had a high risk Maternal and Fetal Medicine (MFM) Specialist on Monday try and explain all the risks of my conditions to me and, unlike finance, doctors don't really care if they scare the crap out of you. I think that's part of their job description to avoid malpractice law suits.

I had just had my 20 week anatomy ultrasound, where I found out that I'm having a boy.

I'll devote another whole post to my feelings about being a Mom to two boys (especially after I convinced myself that I was having a girl), but back to the MFM doc. After my 24-hour urine collection, they found 150 something something something of protein in my urine. That indicates high kidney function, which MFM speculates that when I was obese I damaged my kidneys a bit, but that's just a working theory. I also have blood pressure in the 135/90 - 145/95 range, which is considered hypertension. You put those two factors together: hypertension and protein in the urine and you get preeclampsia. According to the doc, conservative care for preeclampsia involves bed rest. Aggressive care involves taking the baby out early. Suddenly I went from having a 40-week pregnancy to a, "We'll let you know when the baby presents too much danger to your health and take him them" pregnancy, hopefully that's somewhere between 34-37 weeks.

Then there was the whole, "We don't think your depression and anxiety are being adequately controlled and you are extremely high risk for post parturm depression" discussion that doesn't seem to ever go anywhere. I already go to 2-3 doctor appointments a week, and I was trying at least to maintain and grow my business, but now I'm supposed to go see a therapist once a week and see my shrink once a month (I currently only see him every three months)?

I'm just overwhelmed and beaten down. I felt numb when the MFM doc was throwing everything at me and about two hours (and two meetings later) I just started to sob. Take my baby early? Premature baby in NICU? I can't even feel the baby move yet. It's not time. Cue ridiculous pregnancy hormones that allow me to escalate every fear into a full blown panic attack and you have the perfect storm for me sobbing while trying to drive home.

A mere three days later, I go to the eye doctor. They wanted me to follow up with her after the headaches from the hospital and it turned out that I needed a new prescription. I'm nearsighted and my prescription was -3.75, but every time my eye doc kept holding one of those glass pieces up in front of me, it was so strong that I felt sick to my stomach. She finally settled on a prescription of -2.25. She kindly took the eye thingy away from my face and had a said that only two things can cause such a dramatic shift (for the better no less) in a prescription in someone my age: cataracts and diabetes. She said I didn't have cataracts and she wanted me to be tested immediately for gestational diabetes.

Cue more sobbing. I managed to get into see my Ob-Gyn that afternoon and held down that glucose drink for exactly 61 minutes (did I mention that sugar makes me throw up?). I lost the contents of my stomach at the exact moment that they were withdrawing the vial of blood from my arm. Score! I didn't have to retake the test. I just felt like crap for the rest of the night. The results came back the next day. My glucose level was 121 and anything over 130 is diabetic. Doc said I was fine and that we'd retest between 24 and 28 weeks. The problem is that I don't feel fine. The symptoms for diabetes help explain a lot of my previously unexplained symptoms: fatigue, uncontrolled infections, headaches, increased urination, and thirst, but I'm not actually considered diabetic at this very moment.

I'm completely overwhelmed and I feel like my coping mechanisms are starting to fail. I cry a lot. I'm scared a lot. I try to be very still to see if I can feel any movement inside me (I can't) and I take a lot of naps and try not to think about the future.