Odds and Ends

• There is a new post over at the Writing Spot. I need some advice about why I'm feeling so hesitant in my personal life right now. Go on over and leave me a comment with your jewel of wisdom. Calling me a complete idiot is also completely acceptable in this case. I'd understand. If that doesn't peak your interest to click over and sign in, then I don't know what will. As always, e-mail me at onbeingandliving@yahoo.com if you want to access to that blog.

• In other news, I'm halfway done with my first module of my MBA. In the program you take two classes per module. Each module lasts about 6-8 weeks. I just finished "Crunch Week," which is where there are two weeks of classes that are held back-to-back. I had two tests in Microeconomics and two 5-7 page papers in Leadership due. I finished everything and already got my test grades back. It feels like a huge burden was been lifted from me knowing that I was able to complete everything and perform reasonably well. My self-doubt was really kicking into overdrive at the start of this program. I've been able to calm some of my fears and enjoy the material more.

• While school and work continue, Zac keeps getting closer and closer to turning 4. It's hard to believe that four years has gone by since he was born. I can remember, vividly, what it felt like to be pregnant and in labor with him on July 7th and 8th in 2005. We haven't decided what we are doing yet to celebrate the occasion. More than likely it will involve pizza and a ball pit of some sort.

• My roommate moved out last week. I actually miss him and I know that Zac misses him a lot. He got used to someone being there to play with him while I was reading, working on a paper, or trying (and usually failing) to keep the house from looking like a complete disaster.

• Some of my old blog posts will be making a reappearance on this site. I hastily took them all down, when really what I needed was to only take some of them down and to move some of them to my private blog.
  

Tweeny

Zac will be turning 4 soon and more and more I'm realizing how much older he is getting. It's like somewhere between 3 and 4 years-old he morphed into a teenager with his own sassy comments and opinions. Here are a couple of examples:

*I went in to check on Zac at 10pm, to see if he was asleep. Not only was he not asleep, but he was sitting on his bed, playing with his flashlight. He looked up at me and asked: "What is it?" like I had turned into the annoying parent who he must tolerate. I stammered, "Uh, nothing. Go to sleep. Good night." "Good night, Mama," he sighed and focused his attention back on his flashlight.

* We've been listening to the same "Wheels on the Bus" CD that we've been listening to in the car every morning for the past eighteen months. It's always the same CD, never anything different. On the way home from work/preschool, Zac wanted to listen to the CD. I can barely stand the music in the morning, especially when Zac orders to me to, "SING!" along. There was no way that I was turning it on in the evening. I told him no and he started negotiating with me. "But I want it," he said. "No. We listen to the CD in the morning, not in the evening. I'm not turning it on." "Please". "No, Zachary," this time with a sterner tone in my voice. "I want to hear a yes from you!" he argued (in my mind I thought, "What the hell? Did he really just tell me what to say?" "No! We aren't listening to the CD." He replied with a much beleaguered, "Awww, man. I'm too sad now".

The last phrase:"I'm too sad now" is one of his favorites. I probably get told that at least 3-4 times a day. Every time I tell him no he gets sad. Fortunately, it's short-lived and within a couple of minutes he's laughing or playing with his cars again. He's still fiercely loyal to his Mama and wants me to be involved in just about everything he does. Occasionally, I wish that he had a sibling or a good friend close by that he could play with. He seems to get lonely playing by himself all the time.

Here's what I wonder, though: if he's this opinionated at almost 4 years-old, what is it going to be like when he's actually a tween? Let's just leave to the side the actual teenager years, since I've already admitted that I'm not sure what I'm going to do then. I might start hiding in my room. Avoidance is a good parenting technique, right?

It All Goes to...

They warned us in orientation that if everything could go bad at once, it will. That thought flitted through my mind as I was hunched over a hotel toilet in the early morning hours in Wilmington, DE over the weekend.

It seemed like the worst possible time to go on vacation, even though I knew that I couldn't miss AEP's and Liz's wedding. My grad program had just started and I had just finished the first week of class. I found out that the second week of class required me complete a 5-7 page paper based on an interview of a leader and a quiz in microeconomics. In addition to school work, my actual job had exploded on me. I was asked to be part of a team to create a mental health program to address behavioral and emotional disorders on school campuses. Writing it out like that makes it sound easier than it is, considering the team has never created a program before and I haven't ever written about the finer intricacies of mental health, mostly because I don't work in the field. I can't describe the difference between cognitive behavioral therapy and psychodynamic therapy and why one model might be more appropriate to at-risk Hispanic adolescents than another. Every day at work was another round of meetings where we tried to hash out the details of the program. I was chosen as the person responsible for writing the first draft of the proposal, even without any clinical expertise. Somehow being a grant writer is supposed to make me adept at technical writing in any given field. I haven't exactly figured out how that works.

So, I was already checking into work every day and answering phone calls on vacation, in between trying to write a paper for my leadership class and catch up on economics reading. I was already the leader of Team Stress, getting sick just made it that much worse. Actually I take that back. What made it worse was getting sick in a hotel room that I was sharing with three other people. That was the worst part. There was nothing I could do to make myself feel any better and I knew I was waking up my friends every time I got sick.

Coming back home, I was still shaky and my throat hurt from getting so violently ill. I had to jump back into work and spend hours working with the clinicians on a draft of the proposal. I'm able to take a breath today, which is a nice change. I need to finish up my paper and get some grasp on the economic problems we were given before the quiz on Friday.

My thoughts keep going back to the wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony between AEP and Liz, held outdoors at AEP's parents' house. As predicted, I cried the whole time, actually starting during the signing of the ketubah before the ceremony and not ending until I filled my plate with prime rib. I wish that I could say that I cried out of the beauty of two people expressing their love for one another, but that wasn't why I was crying. I started crying realizing that without AEP in my life, I might be in a very different position right now. She's so significant in my life that I reached out to her when I was very sick, even without realizing what I was doing. Her concern and love has been such a constant in my life that it seemed natural for me to call her when I was at my lowest, if only because she asked me to. It was AEP that called my Dad and got me the help that I needed. I'm not sure how I can ever be grateful enough for that.

Thinking back on the relationship and friendship between AEP and me, I can vividly remember every city that we've been in together. We've criss-crossed America and parts of Europe together. The last time I was actually in Wilmington was when I was five months pregnant and had to attend an AmeriCorps training. She picked me up from my hotel and drove me to her parents' house so I could rest. I ended up falling asleep on the couch outside the kitchen as baby Zac moved restlessly inside me. It's moments like those that kept jumping to mind over the weekend with AEP and Liz.

I know that AEP and Liz will love and take care of each other with all of their hearts. I wish them the best of luck as they continue to build their life together.

Prayers

I've been praying a lot lately, which says something about the current state I'm in because I don't pray that often. Dew says that he can judge my emotional state by the amount of posts on my blog. He intuits a correlation between me feeling good and posting. I think there is a correlation between me feeling like there are enough hours in the day to post and actually having something to say. Recently, it's not that I haven't had enough to say, it's that I've there have been a lot of changes to my routine and it's been a difficult transition. I wish that my eyes and back would understand that I'm not actually out to get them. If my body parts could stop freaking out I would have a better chance of accomplishing everything that I need to accomplish.

I had my first weekend of classes on Friday and Saturday. My first two classes are Microeconomics and Leadership. There is more reading than is almost humanly possible for each class, in particular the Microeconomics which involves a lot of textbook reading in a small font. It feels a little like being back at Oxford, although now I have a full-time job and a child. There is also less bicycling and 14th century architecture in my current reality, which is really quite a shame, although being able to drive to the grocery store is a nice bonus.

Let's see...what else? I'm really just going to work, coming home, reading, and going to bed. It makes for a fairly boring existence and a not particularly interesting blog. One notable fact is that my friend Byron has been staying with me. He's in a tough situation and I volunteered to help him out. I almost feel like I've got a new roommate, although unlike my current roommate, this one doesn't pee the bed. That reminds me...does anyone have any advice on bed wetting? I wet the bed until I was 6 or 7 and now Zac is doing it probably 2-3 out of five nights. I not exactly sure on the frequency, but I know that I can't keep up with the amount of laundry he's producing. Last night ge said he was too scared to get out of bed and go to the bathroom because he didn't want to be in his room alone. I almost pointed out that the new roommate sleeping could have slept with him, but I didn't think he would appreciate the subtlety of my argument. He probably would have counter argued with: "He's not my Mom." I would have had nothing to offer at that point.