Me: At Six Weeks

Six weeks ago on Saturday, I gave birth through emergency C-section to Ben. I've composed so many blog posts in my head since that date, but I haven't managed to A: Find my freaking laptop since Zac uses it and moves it on a daily basis, B: Find the energy to compose sentences, C: Somehow process all the emotions that I've been feeling.

Here is what I do know: This is hard. No one goes into raising a newborn thinking it's going to be easy, but sometimes it's harder than others. Zac only spent three days in the NICU and I was allowed to visit him and nurse him as frequently as I could manage after my first C-section. Breast feeding wasn't easy for us, but it got easier once I visited a lactation consultant and got my first breast pump so I could handle engorgement. With Ben (and I know I shouldn't compare my experiences between my children. We're all unique snowflakes and every child is different. I know that...but still) I wasn't allowed to nurse him during his 18 day stay in NICU because of the medications I'm on. I pumped up to six times a day and stored all my expressed breast milk in my freezer. After 2+ weeks, I was beginning to think that I needed another freezer. When Ben came home, I couldn't get him back on the breast, even when I used the magic nipple shield that I had used with Zac. He screamed and arched his back when I tried to hold him close without a bottle. Then, I just got lazy about pumping. Pumping six times a day, or even four times (or hell, two times) while being the primary care giver of a newborn is difficult, unless you're willing to wake up in the middle of the night and pump. My supply started dropping off noticeably. My breasts weren't causing me pain anymore when I woke up and that seemed like a good development, until it wasn't.

I was unfortunately neglecting more than just my milk producing appendages. I think I was just in complete denial about my high blood pressure and diabetes. "Everyone says gestational diabetes will resolve itself once the baby is born. Besides, I lost my blood sugar testing supplies so I can't even see what my blood sugar levels are. I'm fine," I reasoned with myself. "I don't need to monitor my blood pressure every day. I'm fine." Again, this line of reasoning works until it doesn't.

I went to the eye doctor because I was getting persistent headaches again. I can pretty much tell when my headaches are vision related because pain relievers don't affect them in anyway. The only thing that works is to take out my contacts and lay down. So I went to the eye doctor and the first thing they did was take my blood pressure. It was 155/98. Not quite in stroke territory, but very high. So high that the sweet technician who was testing me said, "Ms. B, do you have any blood pressure medication on you currently that you could take?" I said no. I carry a lot in my purse/diaper bag combo, but I didn't have that. Then the eye doctor told me that my vision had changed again, in the wrong direction. Basically, the higher my blood sugars go, the less near sighted I am. At this rate, I won't even need glasses or contacts in a couple of years. It's like home lasic surgery. It turns out that there is a major glasses retailer that has a 90 day guarantee on their lenses and frames and I can change my prescription as many times within that time frame as I need and they will make new lenses for me. So, since my fourth month of pregnancy, I was able to buy some glasses. Here's what they look like:

That's Ben rooting on my neck and pulling down my shirt.

I had to go see a primary care physician about my blood pressure and diabetes. I had to do another fasting test (Yay! Not) so she could test everything from my hemoglobin level to my thyroid and cholesterol. Everything but my cholesterol was normal, which is incredibly frustrating. Now I have two doctors contracting themselves - again. This was the story of my entire pregnancy. Big baby and rapid vision change - diabetes. Three hour diabetes test from hell - negative.

It's also just very frustrating how fat I still am. I've lost exactly 10lbs since Ben's birth, even though I'm pumping and breast feeding. I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and I wasn't small to begin with. Here's me, probably only four or five months pregnant.

Jump forward to blurry 30 weeks:

 And an even blurry 32 week photo (and you would think that I don't live with a photographer given the amount of cell phone photos I take of myself in the mirror):

Although I get it that it's hard to see my actual body over the enormous belly I'm sporting. The best part of being post partum is that occasionally people ask me when the baby's due. Ha! Good times! I'm like, "Yeah, I already had the baby, but thanks for asking!

I started incorporating fruits and vegetables into my life because I was concerned about the health of all of the members of my family (and I didn't want to be embarrassed when I saw the Nutritionist about the diabetes I don't seem to have). It hasn't helped much, except I'm much more regular, so there's that. I pretty much hate my body and my self esteem is in the gutter. First person that says, "It took nine months to gain the weight and it takes nine months to lose the face," with get punched in the throat.

Here's me, with Ben 5 days after his birth, in the same shirt:

I look like I haven't slept in a couple of weeks, which I probably hadn't at that point. But look how small Ben is! With his eyes open for once in the hospital! Wearing a onesie! It was all very exciting at the time. I'll try to get a Ben: At Six Weeks post up soon.