Free Money!

I haven't been able to write because I'm in the midst of having a $300 panic attack. Normally my anxiety costs me little beyond an upset stomach and calorie consumption in the form of chocolate chip cookies. Not this time.

This time I was sitting in Zac's room, folding up his fall and winter clothes that might have a prayer of still fitting him when the temperatures dip under 90 degrees, when the feeling that something was wrong hit me full force. My chest tightened up with every pair of pants that I folded. By the time I got to his closet, I was breathing in and out of my mouth with my hands on my hips trying to not hyperventilate. I was scared, panicky, uncertain, and bowled over by the immediate sense of wrongness that packing Zac's clothes was inspiring. By dinner time, I was crying freely and nonplussed by Zac's refusal to, once again, eat anything that doesn't come out of a box produced by Nabisco.

The feeling lasted on throughout the week. I decided to do some more research on the apartment complex that I had put down a deposit for. Before deciding to rent the place, I had toured at least 30 other apartments. In the Greater Houston area, there are two types of apartments: 1) Luxury units that I can't afford; 2)Old and shabby units that have appliances older than I am. Since I'm not made of money, I went on a quest to find the nicest old and shabby unit that I could find within my budget.

I thought I had found it. It was a complex about 6 miles from where I work. It was built in 2003, has a beautiful floor plan, great amount of square footage, and comes with a washer and dryer. I jumped on it. The thing about the housing crisis, even in cities like Houston which have been largely inoculated against the economic problems of the rest of the country, apartments go fast. Even the apartments that I looked at three months ago are now completely full. They've started waiting lists on places. Fewer people are moving out and purchasing homes. I was tired of finding a nice place only to learn that they didn't have any units to rent. When I found out that this apartment had units available, I couldn't go and cash in my money order quick enough.

That's the first problem: the apartment doesn't take checks for the application fee ($85) or the deposit ($200). Both the application fee and deposit are non-refundable within 48 hours. I had to get separate money orders for each. The second problem is that the apartment is located in an incredibly depressed, poor part of Houston. I figured that I would trade grocery shopping at night for a washer and dryer.

That didn't quite work out though.

In my haste to secure the apartment, I didn't do enough research. When I started researching the complex, I found out that it wasn't just the sale of drugs that was the problem, both in and outside the apartment gates, it was blatant drug use that most people complained about. People openly smoking weed and blaring their music. Car theft was one of the most commonly reported crimes, followed shortly behind attempted murder.

It's taken a couple days to realize that there is no way that I can move into this place with a toddler. I'm not even sure that I would move in if I was living by myself.

What's interesting is that prior to this period in my life, I never second-guessed myself. I knew within the first two days of my visit to Smith that I was going to go there for college. I didn't hesitate before signing up to go to Oxford for a year. I think I maybe looked at Mongolia on a map before I joined the Peace Corps (maybe). I have always been the type that just jumps and hopes for the best.

Lately, my jumping has been off-target. I second-guess my decisions now after a string of life events seemed to indicate that I need to think more before making life-changing decisions. Although, I also think that I need to listen to my instincts. Something is telling me that it's wrong to move into this apartment. It was an instinct that drove me to research the place further. I often wonder if I should listen to my instincts more, like I used to before I ended up alone with a child.

The only way I can wrap my mind around a $300 mistake is to think of other times that I've given away money to large corporations or governmental entities. In so certain order, here is a list of the times that I seem to be giving away free money:

1. Car Insurance Premium ($500). I've hit two cars in the past 12 months. ($500 x 2 = $1000) for the privilege of getting my car fixed by the company that I pay $102 each month to.
2. Health Insurance Co-Pays ($25 - $45). I see my primary care physician at least twice a year ($25 x 2 = $50) and I've seen my OB-Gyn at least four times in the past year ($45 x 4 = $180).
3. Dental Insurance Co-Pays ($75-$600). I'm not even sure you can call these co-pays. I'm still at a loss to figure out what exactly dental insurance really does. I had six cavities filled (approx. $400), two root canals ($150 x 2 =300, not including the crown) and one root canal redone ($75).
4. Speeding ticket ($225 fine), Driver's Safety Course ($25), Request Copy of Driving Record ($10).
5. Failure to control speed when I rear-ended a school bus ($195 fine).
6. Three year gym membership to a place that I'm lucky if I go to once every three months ($49 x 12 x 3 = $1764)
7. Ez-Pass sticker on my car to be able to drive on a tax payer-funded toll-road ($40 x 4 = $160)
8. Apartment rent on the apartment I subleased for 8 months when I moved back in with my parents ($75 x 8 = $600)
9. Fees on a potential apartment. ($85 application fee + $200 non-refundable deposit = $285).
10. Fees on new potential apartment after getting the shit scared out of me by researching the first potential apartment ($35 application fee + $75 administration fee + $150 deposit = $260).

Let's add that all up and we get to...$5,529. Provided I stop rear-ending vehicles and getting fined for going over the speed limit, I could drastically reduce the amount of money that I give away.

Put into this perspective, line item#9 appears minor in comparison. Losing $285 on an apartment where I might have to deal with weed-smoking, car-jacking neighbors, doesn't seem that bad. In fact, it might be one of my better decisions to let the money go. Instead of donating to charities, I might just start donating to corporations, just to do my part to keep the local economy afloat and all.