Candy Hearts and Rainbows

I've been thinking a lot about love lately and none of it has been in a particularly positive way. Remember how I said that I may or may not have given up on love? I think it's official: love and I have parted ways.

I went out with a great guy, Pepe, that I had been chatting last week. He's handsome, smart, funny, and interested in politics. It was the first date that I had been on in a while that actually seemed like it had potential to be more than one awkward date. I wanted to see him again! I said stupid things like, "I want to see you again," to his face, to which he replied, "Awww...that's so nice." Yeah, basically I was a complete idiot. Two days after meeting me Pepe IMs me to tell me that he ran into his ex-girlfriend the night before at a club. I ask him how it went and what he thought, never realizing that the phrase, "I ran into my ex-girlfriend" meant "I am getting together with my ex-girlfriend because I'm still in love with her and want to have her babies". Like the idiot that I am, I wait a couple of days and ask if he'd like to get together again. He IMs back that he can't because he's giving his new/old relationship 110% (no joke, that is seriously what he said), but that he had a great time talking to me. I haven't talked to him since.

I'm supposed to go out this weekend with a Ph.D student in Experimental Psychology. I'm pretty sure his degrees means he knows how to mess with people and will take notes and prepare a scatter diagram while doing it. He would say that he wants to better the treatment and outcomes geriatric care. I still feel like there is something diabolical about his chosen career path. Then again, it's very possible that I'm just making stuff up at this point because I don't want to be rejected again. I'm afraid that Dr. Man will take one look at me and decide to not go out to dinner and a blues bar. Dr. Man works out at least once a day and has the body to prove it (at least from pictures. What do I REALLY know, right?). He doesn't have any kids and has a neck slightly larger than my right thigh, which is saying something because I redefine the word "pear shape". My lumpy Mom-body reveals the sagging and stretching of a woman that gained way too much weight during pregnancy. I really don't think someone like me dates someone like Dr. Man. I've contemplated telling him that I can't go, but I'd like to think that I have a little more balls than that. Just a little. Not much.

I know that I used to have better feelings about the possibility of finding and keeping love, although if you've read any of the past blogs you're probably wondering if I'm just making this up. I would swear that something has changed lately. I feel so much more cynical about people. A friend of a friend told me that the key to love is finding the one that is looking for me. I immediately thought, "Who the hell is looking for me?" because no one goes looking for a neurotic single Mom. Even if I can pretend that I have my life together for a couple of hours, it's pretty obvious that I don't, funky smell and rotting dishes in my apartment aside.

All the romantics out there are probably thinking, "But you don't need to have your life together to be in love! Maybe someone doesn't need that! They will love you anyways, despite your flaws!", but let's look at the honest truth: I haven't managed to maintain a relationship for more than six months in the past four years (three of which I was actively dating). I've had two relationships end by the other person simply not returning phone calls or e-mails. I get dumped so often that I've taken to using myself as an example to cheer up friends that are having relationship problems. I'm more bitter than any 28 year-old woman has a right to be, but I can't seem to muster up enough energy to work on changing that emotion.

At least bad dates give me something to blog about. There is always that silver lining.