I Just Can't

I can't live like this anymore. I thought it would slow down after the Montessori event (which raised $11,000 - hell ya!), but it didn't. It hasn't slowed down at work or at school. Immediately following the event on Friday I had to finish up the final summary paper for my communications class, prepare and practice for a six minute presentation, and study for a cumulative final in macroeconomics. I can't even really tell you how stressed I was - how stressed I continue to be.

I was up two nights ago until 11:30pm working two grants for Hurricane Ike recovery. They were due at 12pm on Wednesday. Each grant had a complex, 13-page budget and required proposal narrative. They weren't so much grants as works of art, if art had annotated attachments and tax-exempt quotes for building repairs. At the end of a very long day I was hungry and tired. Zac was at my parents' house for what felt like the fiftieth time in two months and I sat eating a bowl of cereal. I went to twitter and just realized that I can't live like this anymore. The constant stress, the comfort food I seek in food as I turn to it over and over, the loneliness and guilt from missing my son, the inability to ever really relax.

The most noticeable effect from alll of this is in my body. I've gained 20lbs since June. When Dew came to take me out to lunch the other day, I had to tell him not to mention how fat I've gotten because I'm a little sensitive about it. I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself eating peanut butter straight from the jar or pourning sugar onto a bowl of already sweetened cereal. I eat without even realizing that I'm eating. Sometimes I don't even remember it until the next morning when I see what's left on the counter or in the sink. I worked hard to lose 30lbs a year ago, and now it seems like nothing I did really mattered. My life is out of my control and there is no greater manifestation of that than eating while asleep.

The only thing that I know is that I can't keep doing this to myself and to my family. I want Zac to know that he doesn't have to say my name over and over just to reassure himself that I'm still there. I want to be there. I want to go on a date and not think about the homework that I should be doing or the grant that needs to be written.

I want me back, and also, I miss her: http://treesandcrackers.blogspot.com/. She left today to go back to Iowa and imagining making it through a day at work just got a little harder.