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Here I am. I never really left the Internet or Blogging...just took an extended break. Life has been hard since I got back from the international trips. My motivation to finish my MBA dropped to near zero and work became harder and harder. Sometime, I don't even know when now, let's say early June, I got called into my boss' office. The Director of Human Resources was there. I was told that my teammates had come and talked to my boss about my behavior at work. Basically, at a minimum they tried to get me off their team. As a worst-case scenario, they tried to get me fired. I can't even really think about it and I'm not going to rehash everything on here in detail. There were parts of my behavior that were unacceptable and parts that were a direct result of the medical problems I face. I actually had to get a note from my Shrink explaining some of the side effects of my medication. I kept my job and had to confront all four of my team members. I apologized for my behavior, smiled, and tried to forget the betrayal. I buried it deeply within me and forced myself to go to work everyday. Head down. Just focus on the job. I now have to go into an empty office or into the hallway when I need to call one of my many doctors or business offices.

Then the same thing happened with my team in school. Even higher stakes. The team, again, all four of them, went to the Dean of the Business School and asked that I be removed from the team. This time, it was effective. The Dean said that if it was an unanimous decision then it was binding. They didn't even have the courage to tell me themselves. The Dean called me and told me. I had three choices at that point: 1) Ask another team if I could join them; 2) Form a team of one and complete all of the assignments by myself; 3) Suspend school for a year and be placed in another team; or I lied, there was a fourth option 4) Quit school 16 months into a 22 month degree program. I've already spent close to $55,ooo - to not get a degree at this point would be such a collassal waste of money that I couldn't even begin to comprehend it.

But the betrayal. I had worked closely with these four people throughout the past year. I knew them personally. I thought they knew me. I had a bad reaction to a medication and fell asleep and missed an hour of the team meeting. Unprofessional? Yes. Excusable? Possibly, if you knew the story. My problem is that I only really tell my problems on this blog. I used to put them on Facebook, but I realized that I would be more successful broadcasting my needs and struggles on the side of my car. At least then I wouldn't have the shame of knowing that someone who knew me in the 8th grade knows about my chronic pain.

Then I stopped blogging. I just held everything in. More and more pain. The night the Dean called me I took four Ambien and slept for 18 hours. Then woke up, talked to my therapist, and took some more Ambien. I couldn't even cope with being awake and existing with my feelings. Two distinct parts of my life had cast me out because I didn't tell them that my medication makes me fall asleep and I have to go to more doctor's appointments than an "average", healthy 29 year-old.

Now I just try to make it through the day. I've had to disclose my medical problems at work. I found a new team at school. I hate almost every moment that I'm in class and I'm counting down the days until graduation. I'm in a class of 28 and trying to avoid the four former classmates is almost impossible.

If it's possible, these experiences have made me more negative and more cynical. Perception matters. It didn't matter that I got all my work done at work, all my teammates saw was that I wasn't pulling my own weight. My teammates at school loved me when I was getting them A's on their papers, but turned against me within a week. What people think matters. You need to play nice with others. You'll get cast out otherwise and it's cold outside.