6w 2d

It's fun that time has elapsed since my last post, but my pregnancy seems to be running backwards. I went to the Ob Gyn for a quick appointment on Thursday and received quite a shock. First, I'm down seven pounds. My doc basically doesn't take any prisoners when it comes to maternal nutrition. She said she wouldn't hesitate to hospitalize me and pump in fluids and nutrition intravenously if I lost any more weight. I'm trying to gain weight. Promise. I'm also trying to continue to exercise and I just can't seem to get in enough calories to reverse the trend that I started eighteen months ago.

And can I be very honest here? (Looking around - it is still my blog, right? It is. Good deal). If I'm being really honest, I would admit that I was unprepared to deal with gaining weight psychologically. It's going to be very, very hard to see those number creep up, even though rationally I know it's best for the baby and for me to gain 20 - 25 lbs of weight starting from the pre-pregnancy weight. I was 187.5 when I started working out with a trainer six weeks ago. I was 180.2 when I weighed myself this morning. I haven't gone back to get more fluid taken out of my band and I have very good excuses as to why this is. Excuses like all of my medical care is in the Med Center of Houston which is world-renowned, but 45 minutes away from where I live and work. My boss tracks all of my absences and doesn't hesitate to tell me about them. Excuses like it's hard to get a hold of my surgeon's staff to schedule an appointment, but that's all bullshit. The real answer is that I don't particularly want to go in and get more (if not all) of the fluid out of my band. I have a fully functional, large capacity stomach with all the fluid gone. I can eat an entire bacon double cheeseburger and large french fries with no fluid. The easy answer is: just don't eat that shit you stupid idiot. But, um, if self-restraint worked for me, would I have had to get bariatric surgery to begin with? Probably not.

But back to my first prenatal appointment. My Ob-Gyn gave me a transvaginal ultrasound and saw this:

Don't worry if you don't see anything. All I see is the gestational sac and an empty space where I should be growing an embryo. The doctor just said, "Oh" and took the wand out. She said that I must have ovulated a week late and really I was only five weeks pregnant. Which, if I do my math, means I found out I was pregnant when I was just over THREE weeks pregnant. Our technology shouldn't be that good. That's way too early to find out that your pregnant, especially since once I found out, I started experiencing all of the first trimester symptoms.

I'm scared. The Ob said what was there looked good, but she couldn't see much and said there didn't appear to be any reason why I would miscarry, but damn, not seeing a heart beat was hard. I have to go back in a week to see if it's a viable pregnancy. I'm not sure where to go from that last sentence. I just spent five minutes staring at the blinking cursor. Miscarriages run in my family. Both of my aunts and one of my Grandmas have miscarried. This baby was so unplanned and yet so wanted that I'm going to struggle wrapping my mind around a failed pregnancy if I lose the baby.

Nevertheless, my symptoms carry on. The fatigue is the real killer. I'm just so tired, all the time. It doesn't help that I go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 4:45am every morning, which is actually my second wake up. I wake up once during the middle of the night to go pee and then pray I fall back asleep until I can watch Orangutan Island at 5pm on Animal Planet. I pee every twenty minutes and seem to have lost the ability to poop. Seriously, I'm jealous of people who go twice a day. I'm taking a fiber supplement to counteract the iron supplement, but it just gives me horrible gas pain. Guess what I don't appreciate while being terrified I'm miscarrying? Yeah, that would be sharp, dramatic pain in my general intestinal/uterine area. I also have general stretching pain. It's like I can feel my uterus getting bigger and it hurts. My breasts are unbelievably tender and my hormones are definitely kicking up. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two months combined.

I keep comparing Zac's pregnancy with this one, which I think is normal, although in no way a fair fight. I was 23 when I got pregnant with Zac and I'm 31 now. In the span of eight years, I've completely forgotten every complaint and my hypersensitivity to every ache and pain in my body. This just isn't a new pregnancy, I feel like I'm a completely different person. It's going to be a long 34 weeks.