21w 2d (Medical Leave)

I'm on Day 5 of medical leave and I think I'm failing horribly at it. My one job in this world during the day (assuming the big one is at school and the dog and cats are self-sufficient) is to take care of myself and stay healthy and that's just a big task. I decided on Friday to stop taking Adderoll. I started taking it, I don't know, maybe four years ago when I was falling asleep while driving to work and then falling asleep at work and I maybe (just maybe) falling asleep while doing something productive human beings do - like raise their kids or get out of bed. My shrink told me it was a wee little dose, just 20 mg of amphetamine salt. Turns out others don't think that's such a small dose and assured me that Adderoll would surely start riddling my brains with holes.

Then I got pregnant and every, single, medical professional I talked to would start out the conversation on medication with something along the lines of, "Oh, but you've already started getting off Adderoll, right?" or my favorite presumptive question, "When did you stop taking Adderoll? I see it still listed on your chart." I would sigh and say that I hadn't stopped taking it because going to work without it made me tired, listless, and generally unfocused. I had to work. I had to make money. Hence, I took the Adderoll.

Then suddenly my world turned upside down and now my need to work has been trumped by my need to stay out of the hospital (which I failed on Sunday. Three day headache, hysterical crying, vomiting - four hour stay in the ER. The Emergency Doc took one look at me and decided that clearly I needed sleep - it was 4am - more than I needed to participate in an anatomy ultrasound. He prescribed IV Bendryl, which might as well be called "Look, I'm going to need you to go to sleep now and stop crying. You're scaring the homeless guy. Also, if you could stop vomiting, that would be great. We're running out of bags"). I stopped taking Adderoll the first day I didn't go into work and I remembered all the side effects of amphetamines. The primary one is euphoria. The secondary one is...I don't know...the ability to stay awake for more than 20 minutes at a time?

Suddenly I feel like those stories you hear about people retiring at age 70 and then dying three months later because they couldn't get out of bed. I bet they were taking Adderoll. I'm sad, apathetic, I don't want to take care of myself, and all I want to do is sleep, which I do in great, unproductive quantities. I just want to lie in bed and feel the baby move (20w 5d - that's how long it took before I finally felt this kid) and sleep.

I saw the Maternal Fetal Psychiatrist yesterday and she said something along the lines of, "Are you sure that Adderoll wasn't helping you manage your depression?" and I was like, "Um, I don't think so. I know it was inhibiting my ability to nap, but now that you mention it, I could use a little euphoria." She generally supports me getting off of it, but it's like jumping off a cliff. Also since I can't get within 20ft of a doctor without them prescribing me something, she prescribed two other depression meds. I haven't started them yet because of some problem at the pharmacy. That's something I'll have to figure out after my next nap. I did like that one of my drugs is folate for my brain. Apparently folate doesn't usually cross the body/brain barrier and she thinks my brain could use a little folate. That's sweet, right? I feel like that's up there with the theory that massive quantities of Vitamin C can cure depression. I have done every other synthetic, I might as well go all homeopathic now.

My main problem is that I don't want to feed myself three - or five - times a day. That seems like a lot of work. Then I don't eat and I get sick, which kind of defeats the purpose of being on medical leave. Short of keeping a refrigerator next to my bed, does anyone have any suggestions on creative ways to ingest food that I can work around my napping schedule?