21w 4d

I've always maintained that some people have friends and some people have blogs. Very few are able to combine those two factors of a life, unless they have online friends like I'm blessed to have.

I try to shower every day and get out of the house at least once, but I'm struggling to find free activities and I'm trying not to spend any money. I thought I had an intake appointment at an intensive outpatient therapy program tomorrow, but they moved it back a week because the program is full. So I have all these spaced out appointments for the next two weeks that leads to a series of other appointments every two weeks from here until birth.

My Dad has been retired for two years and he keeps telling me that it gets better: you can transition to being at home and find reasons to get out of bed every day. I have good days and not-so-good days. On the good days this feels relaxing and I feel productive. I clean and cook and manage to keep enough food in my stomach so I don't get sick. On the not-so-good-days, the anxiety I feel about walking away from my career is overwhelming. Rationally, I know there is a long history of women (and even men) that have taken medical leaves to take care of themselves and have gone back to their careers to be successful and fulfilled. These people probably weren't financial advisors. I've spent months building relationships with people and I just walked away. People in the office are covering for me and that helps ease the anxiety, but it also adds to the guilt because it just adds to their workload while I'm at home going to medical appointments.

What's been the most surprising about this pregnancy is how much pain and discomfort I have. I'm only in my second trimester and according to pregnancy books, I should be feeling great. Morning sickness to my back and cankles to look forward to. I have round ligament pain down low in my uterus and sharp, stabbing pain in my port. I'm supposed to see a neurologist soon regarding the day/week long headaches that I can't seem to get a handle on. I don't know. I just feel sick. Then I get sad. Then I don't want to leave my bed. Then I feel worse. It's just a cycle. Every day, I try and break the cycle. Every day, I try to drink water and eat a piece of fruit.

I don't have a pithy conclusion. I'm just struggling and I know that some days are better than others.