27w 3d (Perceptions - in Vingette)

I recently turned 32 and had some very sweet people in my life tell me, for the first time, that they read this blog. I'm always a little humbled when people take time to read what I write. A few people commented that I'm such a "strong, determined woman" and my reaction to comments like that is always a resounding, "what are you talking about?" Is it brave that I got pregnant, accidentally, twice? If you knew how much I cried in any given week, would you still think that about me? If you knew how many days I struggle to get out of bed, would I be as determined as you think?
_________

I wrote this on Facebook yesterday, specifically about this blog: "Over the past seven years, a lot of people have asked why I write about my life on the internet and I never had an answer. I found my answer today. It's good to give life a little meaning." My answer, the reason why I write on the Internet, is that in "real life" (life not lived on the Internet) I'm repressed. I can't speak my mind clearly and articulately to people. It's true whether I'm grateful for the person's support and their friendship or if someone has been a complete jerk to me and deserves a punch in the throat. I say things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," when I really want to say, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you being crazy?" I'm not the most polite person in the world, especially in the South where politeness takes a whole new level of pathology, but I still struggle to let people know how I really feel. It's only on this blog that I can write out my emotions and connect with other people who might feel the same. I can call a spade a spade on here, even if I've gotten in more trouble because of this blog than I ever would have if I had just kept my fingers off the keyboard.

_________

Yesterday I saw my primary psychiatrist and we talked about my defensive pessimism. When most people see opportunity, I see danger fraught with a side of anxiety. Basically, to protect myself against fear of failure and potential hurt, I just assume the worst. This works in almost every situation from my personal to professional life. Anything that isn't completely disastrous after that is considered a success. If I think I'm going to fail the test, and instead pass, I'm overjoyed. If I indeed fail, well, I expected it and my psyche is protected.

While pessimism cushions me from the every day blows of life and major milestones, it also keeps me from fully experiencing the joy of most situations. Instead of feeling genuine happiness when something works out in my favor, either by luck or hard work, I usually feel relieved that the worst I prepared for didn't come to fruition. Statistically speaking, optimistic people perceive that they have more good events than bad events in their life. It's really that if you look on the brighter side of life, you think you have a brighter life. The only problem is, I have no idea how to do a complete 180 on my defensive pessimism. It feels ingrained and it has served me well for many years. Of course, it's also led to an anxiety disorder and general malaise, so I can see that there is some room for improvement.

__________

When I tell people about this blog for the first time, without fail, the first question I'm asked is, "Have you written about me?"This is such a funny question to me because blogging is MY most self-absorbed activity. Why would you assume that I would include YOU in that?  99% of the time, the answer is, "No, I haven't written about you." See the vignette above where I mention how much trouble I've gotten into as a result of this blog. I tend to avoid trouble if I just write about my feelings and my family. There are some notable characters in my life that I write about (KGII) that hate that I include them on this site, but it's a necessary evil. I don't know how to write about my pregnancy without writing about KGII. Hence the monikers and vague details sometimes.

_______

Yes, I can acknowledge that I look pregnant. People hold doors for me (but they did that before in the South) and strangers ask me when I'm due and what I'm having. Nurses like to ask me if I have a name picked out (I do, KGII doesn't), but I mainly just feel fat. The scale has been inching up in some cases and doing downright leaps and bounds some weeks. I gained five pounds one week between Monday and Thursday. My Ob Gyn didn't seem concerned and dismissed it as water weight and fluid retention, but I had to scrape my jaw off the floor of the scale.

Help! I've lost my chin!

 

Although I look huge (to me), I'm measuring right at 27 weeks. Besides feeling huge, I also feel like Baby Bean is a gigantic gestational diabetes baby. I can feel him kicking and hitting on both sides of my uterus simultaneously. I don't remember that happening with Zac at this point in my pregnancy. It's like my uterus has shrunk in the 7.5 years since I last had a baby inside me.

 

Also if you notice, I always take pregnancy shots with the left side of my belly showing. On the right side, KGII likes to say that my basketball ate a baseball. My lap band port sticks out visibly and makes it look like my kids' head is perpetually making an appearance (it's not). I'm a little self conscious about it, so I just show this side in pictures.