29w 1d (Grandma)

(My intent with this post was never to reveal my Grandma's personal medical information, but rather express how I feel about her, specifically, and how sad and upset I am and how much it hurts to think about letting her go).

She had lost so much weight and was walking so slowly, and with so much difficulty. In March 2012, the Texas family decided to go to Seattle to see Grandma. In the process, we saw all of the extended family that I grew up spending holidays with and I felt so connected. But Grandma, she looked like sitting there was difficult for her. When she hugged Zac and I started crying.

This wasn't the same woman that I took me on my "honeymoon" six years ago (now seven). When I first told her I was pregnant with Zac, I told her that the FOB and I were going to try and make it work. She took that to mean that we were getting married and said she wanted to send us on a trip for our honeymoon. Eight short weeks later, I left the FOB in New Hamsphire and drove cross country to move in with my parents in Texas when I was 3.5 months pregnant. But we still had these tickets. She changed the name on one of the tickets and I ended up, six months pregnant, in Hawaii with my Grandma. It was almost surreal. I kept asking myself, "Am I really on my honeymoon with my Grandma?" but I was. The thing was that we had a great time. We landed in Oahu and went to all the tourist sites around the capital, then drove an hour and a half to the Polynesian Center in the northern part of the island.

Then she flew us to Maui where I saw the most beautiful tree I had ever seen. If you've ever been to Maui, you know what I'm talking about. It's a tree that has branched out over an entire city block and vendors have set up shops under the branches. It was so hot and I was so big by that time and she was already having problems walking that we could only be out in the sun for short periods. Even thought she wouldn't risk walking on the beach, I went out every chance I could in my maternity swimsuit. She took us snorkeling and I got seasick on the boat ride out to the sites from the waves and too much orange juice. She didn't get int he water, but she waved to me with my snorkel mask stuck up on my forehead, waving to her in the boat. She snapped a picture that I wish I could share of that moment.  I saw sea turtles for the first time and they were beautiful and majestic. I felt like to could see for miles in that water and on the ride back to the shore, we saw dolphins swimming next to the boat. Hawaii was just so beautiful and it was so beautiful to be there with her.

Every night, we went out to dinner and ordered fish, almost without fail. And we talked. I had never talked to her so much. We talked about everything - about my Grandpa, about my baby, about her life and how lonely she was sometimes, about how scared I was. In every restaurant was a three piece Hawaiian band that seemed to be playing the same song over and over. I ordered virgin drinks and she ordered black coffee. We flew back to California together from Oahu and her flight was the first to leave, with her going back to Seattle and me going back to Houston.  Both of us just spontaneously started crying and I was so surprised at how sad I was to see her go. I think I knew that I would never travel with her again. I knew she had given me a precious gift of herself - a glimpse into herself.

*****

I wish I could go back in time and give her the tough love talk that almost all of my friends and family gave me when I was sick. When they talked about how I mattered and how the world wouldn't be the same without me. Grandma looked me in the eye in March and told me she would keep fighting. I just think she couldn't bear to tell me what she was telling other people in the family; that she wanted to stop. 

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I want to go out to Seattle and be with her, but my parents think it's too risky with my health. I think they have the same hospitals in Seattle that they do in Houston and if there is the slightest chance that she would recognize me, that she could hear that I love her once more, I want to take the opportunity. There has just been a lot of tears today, a lot of memories of my time with her, and a lot of reminiscing about what she has meant to my life.