33w 5d (Reasons)

Here is a (not-so) complete list why I don't update my blog more:

• I've become enamored with other people's blogs. With my pregnancy-induced ADD, coupled with a suspicious lack of ADD medication in my system, I can handle very few novels right now. Novels are usually my staple reading of choice, but now I love nothing more to zone out to blogs read on my phone. I should point out that I've steadfastly refused to adopt any kind of electronic device for reading novels, preferring the heady weight and smell of paper (until a notable encounter with an 850 page Tom Clancy hard back almost gave me carpals). I love that I carry my phone everywhere with me and there are my blogs. My favorite activity is to find a blog and read through every post in the archive, starting in reverse chronological order. The more entries the better. I'll post a blog list soon of blogs that I've read.

• It's frankly annoying to have every third blog post talking about depression/mental illness/ or vomit. I don't like it in the blogs I read, yet for this to be a factual account of my pregnancy, I would have to include sentences like, "I only vomitted twice today, but I took three doses of Zofran and fell asleep at 8pm". Considering that the pukefest started around Week 5, no one wants to read about puking at Week 33. (If you do, message me on facebook or send me an email and I'll hook you up).

• I beat the system. My HMO finally approved me for short term disability (oddly enough, for medical disability this time, instead of behavorial health). I'm sure it had something to do with the 49 pages of hospital records I sent them. In my defense, I didn't even realize I was sending that many pages since they were two-sided, but oh well. At first the Man only approved me from November 2 - January 15th, leaving me in limbo as to whether or not I would actually get paid on January 31st (I did). I got a voice mail today that they have subsequently approved my case through February 25th, but reminded me that since I was due in mid-March that I would need all four providers to submit follow-up clinicals (Whee!!)

• I go to a lot of therapy. I have yet to make it all four days to therapy, but the place where I go is about 50 minutes away and I'm there for 2.5 hours, then I drive home 50 minutes. I usually try to squeeze in a nap before Zac gets home from school and then I'm tired again by 8pm. Repeat daily. On Thursdays, my day off from therapy, I've scheduled all my ultrasounds, Maternal and Fetal Pscyhiatrist visits, and non-stress tests. One big medical day that also tires me out. This Mama gets tired easily.

• I'm worried about how much weight I'm gaining. Between weeks 29-31, I gained eight pounds. Between weeks 31-33, I gained anouther seven. That's horrifying to me considering I'm creeping up on the weight that I was at when I had lap band surgery. My Ob-Gyn is completely non-plussed by the whole thing and tells me its fluid retention and moving my blood pressure medication from "as needed" to twice a day will reduce swelling and water weight. For me, every visit is filled with self loathing. "How did I let myself get this fat? I don't feel like I"m eating that much more. I still puke all the time. What the hell is going on? Exactly how fat am I going to be before this baby comes out?"

• I'm worried about my giant baby. Although it has not been for lack of trying, I have not been officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I've taken three, one-hour glucose test and two, three-hour glucose tests. This all started at Week 19 when my eye doctor noticed a dramatic change in my vision, which precludes me from wearing my eye glasses and precipitated my buying a whole new set of disposable contact lenses. Since I can't wear my contacts 24 hours a day, I spent a lot of time squinting at things, like the keyboard and the television. The second three-hour glucose test I did today was almost my undoing. I fasted for 12 hours (and didn't cheat this time), got my blood drawn four times while simultaneously fasted for another three hours after consuming a sickly sweet beverage. I was seriously tempted to just eat a donut before the test today, but I decided to stick it out and see what the results would be without it. At 32 weeks, Baby Bean was measuring over 6lbs. We could take about how inaccurate ultrasound measurements are and yadda yadda yadda, but that's still big. I already had one 9lb kid and it turns out KGII was a 9lb kid himself. KGII keeps telling me that it's genetic since he's 6'3 and has never been small. I keep telling him to shut it.

• It makes me sad that my friends in real life and on the Internet all seem to have had their babies already. It makes me feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern where time moves for everyone else, but stands still for me. Some women remark on how fast their pregnancy moved for them and how it felt like it was over in a blink of an eye. These women probably left morning sickness behind in their first trimester, that's all I can figure out. On a day to day basis, I have no idea how sick I'm going to be. Most days, I'm fine. I get up, get Zac ready for school, go to therapy, come home, get Zac ready for bed and go to sleep myself. Then there are days when my blood pressure spikes, I get a headache, and vomit almost continuously. I've also taken to asking my friends to kill me and take the baby, emergency C-section style while leaving my carcass on the side of the road. Apparently this kind of talk is "disturbing" and I'm told to keep a positive attitude because "pregnancy can't last forever". No, but it can be a very long 10 months. I am working on being positive.

• I've always struggled with self validation, relying instead on my over achieving, competitive personality to be validated by authority figures; teachers, coaches, parents, mentors. Back when I made the decision to leave work at 20 weeks, I was wrecked with self doubt and recrimination, especially when all the worst case scenarios like preeclampsia, bed rest, and early fetal viability didn't come true. The high risk doctor explicitly told me that if I continued to get sick, they would take the baby at 34 weeks, trying to hold out to 37 weeks if they could. My regular Ob Gyn doesn't want me going past 39 weeks (which would be March 13th). Next week will be my 34th week and I am still able to leave the house on my own, go to therapy, and take care of Zac to the best of my ability. I'm proud and to use therapeutic language, I'm grounded in my reality that this never would have been a possibility if I had continued working. I don't need external validation. I look down and see my uterus moving with Baby Bean and I know that I made the right decision. I did what I had to do to protect my health and my baby's health.

So, more belly shots to come. Hopefully a return to more blog postings and happier topics like nesting, decorating the nursery, and finally getting a car seat. Things aren't all doom and gloom around here. There is a lot of lightness and happiness and way more naps than one woman should be allowed to take.