Just Me

I'm back in the dating world and feeling an attack of self-doubt. I'm torn between telling someone that I'm not what they are looking for and saying, "Just give me a chance. I won't let you down". Ugh, but who am I to rejct myself? Wouldn't someone tell me that they didn't want to be with me if they really didn't? I don't get it.

My sister likes to tell me that if she was single at my age, that she would just stay alone. The older I get, the harder dating becomes. Sigh.

Suburbia

Ok, ok, if you want to get technical, I lived in the suburbs of Houston well before I moved out to 500 Leagues Under the Sea, shortened to "500 Leagues". I live in a part of Houston named after a lake, which is a little confusing because there is both the lake and the sea here. Anyways. I lived in an apartment for three years before purchasing the house-where-the-A/C-and-cable-doesn't-work in 500 Leagues. There is just something different about living in an apartment. In the apartment, it was rare to have two parents living in the same home, unless it was in mega families with five or more kids (and really? I don't even know how you fit five kids into a two-bedroom apartment. Now that I think about it, that probably explains why my neighbors were always out on the dime-sized patio playing acoustic guitar and drinking beer. It doesn't explain why their cousin from Mexico/Columbia/Guatemala/ok,-I'm an asshole because I never asked moved out onto the patio and made international phone calls on his cell all day and night).

Jeez, where was I? Right, the apartment. It's just different in a house. All the kids here have two parents and most families have two incomes. The kids here are just different - or I'll be honest, maybe I'm just more sensitive. It's a little unclear from Zac's story if the neighborhood kids were teasing him because he doesn't live with his FOB or if they were just being silly, but one six year-old made a joke about New Hampshire being New Hamster and it ended up with Zac running home, crying.

There are so many angles of this story that I tried to tackle with Zac. The first issue was to give him some ideas how to answer kids when they ask where his Dad lives. I told him to just say that his Dad doesn't live with him. That seems normal, right? Like, "I see my Dad on weekends" is way more socially acceptable to six year-olds than, "I met my Dad once when I was six months-old and he lives in New Hampshire." Apparently, New Hampshire, as a state, can be easily transformed into "New Hamster", which is the best thing any first grader has ever said in terms of humor and wit.

Second issue: not every kid is going to know as many states as Zac, or read as well, or do square root mathematics, or whatever else Zac can do that astounds me. My talk with Zac went something along these lines:

Me: "Look. You're really smart. Not every kid is going to be as smart as you are. I was really smart when I was your age and I had a hard time."

Him: "Had a hard time with what?"

Me: "Making friends. It didn't get better into college."

Him: "What!?! Even in high school it didn't get better! What about middle school?"

Me: "Nope, definitely not middle school"

Him: "I can't believe that I'll go to two whole schools without smart people."

Me: "There will be other smart kids in high school, but there will also be some other not-smart ones"

Him: "But there are smart people in college, right?"

Me: "Right"

----and my parents were worried about starting a Section 529 College Savings Plan! Ha. Little did they know the indoctrination that a gifted only child of a nerd can receive. Nevertheless, he's going to have to quickly learn that while he can read chapter books now, his two little feet didn't leave the Earth under his own willpower until he was 2 1/2. He didn't even learn how to walk until 17 months. Sports and physical motion have never been his strong suit. We all have advantages and disadvantages.

Now I'm off to go figure out how I can torture the neighborhood boys. New Hamster, my ass.

Heaps O'Stress

You know how sometimes people create drama? Like if there is none in their life then they go out and meet a couple of random people who show up at their house all drugged up and they end up having to call the cops, but not before someone's ex shows up and threatens to beat up everyone? I've never done that or even come close, but I'm starting to wonder if I may have a similar tendencies.

I just finished my masters program. Life should be simpler, easier - but it's not. I work more, for starters. Every week I put in about 50 hours, sometimes more depending on how much I network and if it's at night or early in the morning. I got a house that scares the crap out of me. I actually asked my boss today if I could get a second job to help afford this place, but I was told no. My firm interprets FINRA rules to say that advisors can't earn income anywhere outside of the firm. I guess I can understand that you don't really want someone to solicit your business if they are ringing you up at Pier One on the weekends, but still.


So, that sucks. Every budget in the world can't make someone feel more confident when they can see disaster on the horizon. The irony  that I'm a Financial Advisor does not escape me. Don't worry, I feel properly humbled.
 
There is just something wrong. Most of the time I can't even put my finger on it. I'm losing clumps of hair at night and in the shower, presumably from stress and/or poor nutrition. I cry a lot. I was admitted to the ER with chest pains that turned out to be no form of cardiac event that any test could detect. I've seen specialists. I've asked about my hormones and vitamins. I'm on a "wait and see" regimen with all of them. It's frustrating. I'm a do-er and I get the distinct feeling that I'm doing something wrong or even just merely not doing something right.

and don't even get me started on dating. and the dog that keeps eating my high heels, even when I put them in my room and "close" the door (note to self: figure out a way to lock the master bedroom from the outside). The dog also constantly chases the cat in a carnival rendition of the "Farmer and the Dell" every hour that they are both awake. and I never expected that living in double the space would make my life feel more empty.

hmm...that's something to think about. Thanks for letting me have this, albeit, one-sided conversation. I feel a little bit better now.

2 Weeks

As Caroline so aptly noticed on Facebook, Clicker went with me to my graduate school graduation in New Orleans this weekend. I invited him and since his job hadn't officially started, he came. There were some tough times, however, mixed in with all the wonderful. I feel like I'm even being disloyal writing about him because he HATES when I write about him on the internet, even though he knows I have a blog. But he's also not here right now and he's weighing heavily on my heart. My online community has been around longer than him.

So, where to start? Well, we lived together for just five weeks before he moved out, at my discretion. He felt like I was taking advantage of him and "dumping" my kid on him while I was working late and I felt like he wasn't ready to be a Dad and was being incredibly selfish. We parted ways. But, it wasn't that easy. We stayed friends. Best friends actually. He got an apartment in the suburb that I live in. I helped him move and study for his Series 7 exam.

I decided that I needed to date right after he moved out. I was much more cautious this time and met only three men and two of the dates ended horribly. One ended so badly I wondered if I should press charges, but I ended up escaping safely. That morning, I called Clicker. He came over and held me and told me that men should not treat women like that and being in his arms felt so good and safe. Almost without telling him, I decided that I wanted to date him exclusively again. We fit. We know each other so well.

Just one problem with this scenario. While I was being self-centered and focused on dating other people, he had also joined an online dating site and was texting and talking to close to 5-8 women. At first, he didn't tell me about them. We just kept hanging out and acting like everything was normal. Then it started coming out. I realized that he met one of them for a date, while still technically dating me (although not exclusively). Don't worry, if this seems complicated, it's because it is.

He lied about seeing the girl. Now he's back in Huntsville and plans to see another one of his women. He's asked for two weeks to make a decision: either he will decide to date one or more of his women, or go back and date me exclusively. I told him that he was gambling that I would even be around in two weeks, but let's be honest here folks, for those of you that read me back in the notsopregnant days, have I ever held to any of my boundaries with men? Ever? Yeah, I can't think of any times either.

Here is where you come in with some advice. If you were me, would you wait the two weeks with the hopes that he will come back to me? After all, I went on several first dates. They just happened to be monumentally horrendous, but I did go out on them. Isn't it fair for him to date. He says he wants to see what is out there. Or, do I listen to that little voice in my head that's saying, "You are too great for anyone to let you go, especially if they are out trying to find someone better." Don't worry, that voice is easily squashed so don't let that influence your advice.

So come on, you gotta let me know now, Should I Stay or Should Go?

Round Up

Sorry that it's been so long since I've posted...there has been a lot going on in my life. Let me see if I can catch you up on the high and lowlights:

• I've lost 32 lbs to date. My band is pretty tight and it really restricts what I can eat. I'm slowly getting used to it. I'd like to lose another 8 lbs before graduation on August 6th in New Orleans, LA. Speaking of that...

• I'm graduating with my MBA in Finance and Management from Tulane University in two weeks. I'm very excited to make this officially since we stopped doing academic work back in June after the trip to China. 

• Work as a Financial Advisor is going really well. I'm getting new clients and working on honing my investment skills. Most days, I love my job and I don't mind that I put in 50-55 hours a week. It really is very rewarding and I'm glad I switched careers.

• In personal financial news...I BOUGHT A HOUSE! WOO HOO!!!. I close July 29th on a beautiful, charming house that is a little further south from where I live now. It's 7 miles from work. It took every piece of credit, blood, sweat, tears, and savings that I could come up with, but it will soon be mine. Here are the details: It was originally priced at $129,999. I got it for $126,000 with a $4,500 seller's contribution to closing. I used a first-time home buyer's program through HUD at got 3% of my downpayment covered and a 4.75% interest rate on a 30-year loan. The house is 1830 sq ft, three bedrooms, formal dining and living room, covered patio, large trees in the backyard and no back neighbors (I back up to a "bayou" aka: a drainage ditch). I'll post pictures soon. I had to come up with .5% of the down payment and the rest of the closing costs not covered by the seller. Total out of pocket was $2,991.

• I'm still single after ending things with Clicker about six weeks ago. He has moved to Clear Lake for his job and we see each other quite a bit. He asked me out on a date last night and I went. It was very sweet. He's outside in the 100 degree heat trying to sell my car. I appreciate him so much for that, especially because I'm indoors in his apartment, on his computer!

• Zac is doing awesome, as always. He's taking swim lessons and learning how to hit a golf ball with my Dad. Unfortunately, his FOB...

• Called me at work and asked if I could lower his child support payments (I can't) and sign away his parental rights since he has only seen Zac once and doesn't want to accrue any more back child support from not paying the full amount every month. I responded furiously that I would continue to pursue him to the full extent of the law and that he should get used to paying the full amount of child support since he would be paying until Zac was 18, and then after that for all the back child support.

That's about everything. I'm sitting here (supposedly) studying with Clicker. I have a Certified Financial Planner examination on Financial Planning and Clicker is studying for his Series 7 license. It feels good to have a study buddy.

The Writing Spot

I feel so awkward writing in this space now that I'm officially "networking" on facebook and my personal internet life has become my public internet life. I'd like to go back writing on The Writing Spot, which is my private blog, for some private entries. Leave me a comment or send me an e-mail if you'd like an invitation to read it or if you've lost your password to the blog.

See you on the other side.

Critics

I politely call them "Haters" on facebook, but I've had more than a couple people impolitely suggest that I'm going about losing weight all wrong. The main source of the criticism comes from the amount of time that I've gone between fills. To be a "good" post-lap-band patient, I should show up at my doctor's office once every 30 days and get a fill of saline solution put in my band.

Life has a way of interrupting that process.

My first fill on April 6th of 5cc's of fluid. That is the single largest fill that a lap-band patient will receive throughout their treatment. Just imagine taking your already smaller upper stomach and basically cutting that in half. That was what my first fill was like. I had to go on liquids and pureed food for a week because it was so extreme. I had to reschedule my appointment in May because of work, you know, since I live and work about 50 minutes away from the Giant Medical Center where I got my band.

Then I went to Shanghai from May 7th - May 15th with my MBA class. Want to guess what almost every meal in China had? Rice. Want to guess what I struggle to eat? Rice. I tried to eat as much protein as possible while I was over there, but I ended up eating a lot of processed food to keep myself full without getting sick. I'm not proud. I encountered the first of several critics of my progress in China. Well, I more just heard about their thoughts regarding my weight. They never said anything to me directly or anything. Perhaps it was in response to me complaining about how I look in the photos from Shanghai.. Here's a good example:

That is my good friend, Leo, using chopsticks for the first time and eating pork leg, a local delicacy in Zhouzhang. In this picture I'm: 1) Hot; 2) Trying not to puke up rice; 3) Very pink looking; 4) Almost 1 2/3 the size of Leo.

Here's another one from the same day trip to the water city, also known as Venice of the East:

Now, it's very possible that I'm hanging out with five of the skinniest people in my program. Clicker would also like to point out that Michael and I are the only two people that are squared away to the camera and that makes us look bigger in comparison to everyone else. I would have to officially categorize these photos as me - still fat during Post-Op Week 10.

But photography is all about angles and light, no? Evidence A:

Here are two of the photos that Allen Crosby took of me during our photo shoot on March 20th, less than four weeks after surgery:

Nevertheless, my critics said that I hadn't lost enough weight. I don't know. In their mind, I suppose that it was just supposed to melt off me.

I've lost 22 pounds on my doctor's scale and I got my second fill on May 20th. The doc was worried about my last reaction to the fill and decided to only put in 1.5 cc's so I didn't start puking everything up and risk band slippage. I said that was fair, so I now have a total of 7 cc's around my stomach and it's an adjustment. For the past two days, I've been complaining that I now have two stomachs: my upper and lower. My upper stomach gets full so fast that my lower stomach is still hungry. Then I wait a bit and the food passes into my lower stomach, which usually doesn't agree that I've eaten enough and the cycle continues.

My critics can pipe down now. I'm going to go eat some soup.