I Catheter You, You Catheter Me

I can't really make up a story that is as entertaining and embarrassing as the one I'm about to tell. That's my disclaimer. Well, that, and I'm a complete moron with little to no functional medical knowledge. There's that. But I know my sister loves it so much when I call and tell her "I've got this rash..." and ask her diagnose me over the phone so much that I figure I'll never have to actually bust out WebMD anymore. Why do I need a website when I have a live call operator standing by that actually cares about me? In truth, if you really want to piss off a doctor-in-training, call them with a medical question, be unsure about your symptoms, have all of your complaints lead back to a rash they can't see, and wait for hilarity to ensue.

Anyways, I've well established on this blog that I'm thrifty (read: very poor for a very long time. Even when I have money, I still feel poor. A sociologist would call it a mindset). I happen to be in a medical supply store in my town this morning (don't ask why. The answer would really confuse you) and I was like, "Hey! I'm in a medical supply store! I didn't even know we had one of these in this town. I bet they have the perfect answer for that catheter/syringe combo that I posted about yesterday". Yes, I tried to out-DIY the DIY home insemination kit that the sperm bank was charging $23 bucks for (not including shipping and handling).

So, I'm walking around this store with Clicker (don't ask) and he says, "Hey, there are some catheters over there. You should check them out". I did a little happy dance and walk over to a shelf that has probably 30 or so catheters in an unceremonious pile. I pick up one that was easily 24" long. It looked something like this:

This looks like something that would work, except it would bust right out of uterus and probably hit my bladder, which I think is the point of a catheter (minus the uterine eruption I assume).

For the record, I did see catheters that looked like this, and I immediately recognized they wouldn't work:

 I ask the guy that we're talking to if he thinks it would be ok for me to cut a catheter down to size. Because really? How much of that do I need? Maybe six inches? He looks at me like I've just asked him if I can take a shit on a walker and leave it there. He says, "Why would you want to cut it down?" and I'm faced with the horrible decision of either telling this man who already distrusts me, "I'd like to shoot sperm into my vagina with it" or completely lying. Only problem is that I'm a horrible liar, especially when put on the spot. I mean, I'm really, really bad. Crazy shit just pops out of my mouth. I decide to tell a half-truth and say, "....umm....it's for a....home procedure". Guess what you shouldn't say to a medical supply salesman while holding an apparently very large, very male catheter? Yeah, don't say that you are going to use it at home on someone. Just trust me on this.

To this guy's credit, he gently takes the catheter out of my hand and shows me where the female catheters are, while saying, "Well, you probably tell people not to trade stocks by themselves. I tell people not to catheter themselves at home," which honestly sounds like good advice all the way around. The female catheters are much more reasonably sized, although now I have this guy peppering me with questions: "Do you need an intermediate catheter? Does someone in your house need a permanent one like they use in a hospital or do they just plug it in when they have to go? Did you technician tell you what size you need? They come in all different sizes."

I wish I could say that I had a witty comeback, but I'm just staring at this guy wondering how I could make a quick exit and not sound like I'm committing elder abuse on someone that can't go to the bathroom by themselves in my home. I put down the catheter, walk away and smugly think, "That bitch only cost $1.40. Totally worth the embarrassment and humiliation. I just saved $21.60".

If this is what winning looks like, you can only imagine how horrifying it must be to be me when I lose.

Breaking News

The biopsy results came back very vaguely. All the pathologist wrote was that it was NOT herpes or HPV (Thank God!). The report went on to say that I had "inflammatory tissue", but there was no known cause. So, good news, the cells weren't precancerous or disease-ridden. Bad news, my cells are pissed off and they can't figure out why.

You know what pissed off cells feels like "down there?" It's like someone is trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together...for a good four or five hours. In even better news, I'm on my third period in 8 weeks. All this ovulation and disintegration down there makes me tired. I also have a severe bacterial infection in my throat and nose so I'm on antibiotics. On the upside, I got a strong dose of ibuprofen that really works on my cramps, even if my throat still hurts.

In other news, I'm narrowing down my reproductive options. Clicker received a call from his Mom based off my blog post (Hi Mrs. Clicker!!!) where she learned that her son might help me. His reasons and his decisions are solely his alone to disclose, but I will say he has opted out of the process.

I've been looking more at alternative insemination at home. The cost is less because I would be purchasing intra-cervical insemination sperm (ICI), which has been washed less than intra-uterine insemination sperm (IUI). I can also do ICI sperm at home, with the help of handy kits. No, I'm not kidding. They actually sell DIY insemination kits. They look like this:

Its fairly horrifying at first glance, but upon closer inspection, it's all relatively innocuous (ok, if you aren't squeamish and the catheter like attachment to the syringe doesn't freak you out.) I'm positive these supplies aren't worth $23 + shipping and handling, but I really don't know where I would purchase the catheter besides the site I was looking on. I actually own that exact brand of cup to collect the sperm that gosh darnit, tried really hard, but couldn't make it to the egg. The pregnancy test looks like a generic from CVS.

I have further thoughts about doing this myself, but I need more time to think about them. I just thought that I would announce in the "Breaking News" post that I'm heading in that direction, for better or worse.

Bump in the Road

Remember when my uterus was getting all that action? No, seriously, my Repro Guy has been more intimate with me than any person in the past three months combined. Turns out, while he was down there (and in there), he found something. I'm not even sure how to delicately talk about this, so I will obscure my comments in funny references to amuse myself because the alternative is horrifying.

So...first I went to my ObGyn to get my IUD out. While she was between my legs, I mentioned that I had strong urges to hump deciduous trees whenever I moved from the sitting position to the standing position, and vice versa. As long as I was perfectly still, I didn't feel any thorns in my lady garden. It was the moving and peeing part that was really bringing me down. Fortunately, I sit at a computer in a cubicle so I can minimize moving to a shocking degree. Yet, since she was there, I thought, "Hey, I should probably tell her about this" and tell her I did. Since she looks at flesh tuxedos all day long, she didn't bat an eyelash. She prescribed three rounds of diflucan and some cream of unknown origin.

Turns out my insurance company only allows one round of diflucan per month, so I had to space out my treatment to coincide with my payment schedule. Anyways, it wasn't working. Bluebeard's closet still itched and hurt incredibly bad.

Fast forward through three weeks of pain and uncomfort. I'm getting my HSG test done and my Repro Guy is back down there and I thought, "Well...since he's looking, maybe he could figure this out, even if he seems to hate lady janes".

And he looked. And he found....a spot. That was literally the description my ears heard approximately 5 feet away from his head. "I see...(pause)....a spot". I replied, "What the hell does that mean? Do I have herpes?!? You can tell me. I just need to know". He said it didn't look like herpes or genital warts and I thanked God for a moment before I asked, "What is it then?" He said he didn't know, but he wanted to biopsy it.

The Friday before Memorial Day my spot and I went in to be biopsied. I had another three strangers (nurses, techs, residents, and I don't even know at this point -  possibly a paralegal? Maybe she was an administrative assistant. I have no idea what her role in my medical care was) stared at my privates. Repro Guy says, "Don't jump. This is going to hurt a little" and when he said that, I was like, "Pssshht. I had a c-section. How bad can a little needle with lidocaine hurt?" Turns out it can hurt pretty badly. Much like ovaries and stomachs, tulip petals don't like to be fucked with. Ever. Then he cut or punched about a dime size hole into some skin that I had never fully appreciated until that moment. Really - if you get anything out of this post, stop for a moment and appreciate your vadge. It's a beautiful, wondrous part of a female body and when it goes bad, it goes very, very bad.

He uses silver nitrate to stop the bleeding. It's just that one stick wasn't enough. He used three sticks and then packed my meat packer full of gauze and sent me on my way. It took only about ten minutes for the lidocaine to wear off. Then I was just a woman waddling to her car trying not to bleed on her pants. It felt like I was being knifed repeatedly "down there".

I called in sick to work and curled up my bed, in the now familiar fetal position. The only problem is that I had to say what happened and why I couldn't come to work. I blithely typed out, "I had a biopsy this morning and now I'm in pain. I'll come into work on Saturday". Clearly I didn't think through that strategy because today, a coworker asked me what I had biopsied and I couldn't look him in the eye and say, "my hoohah". So I just gestured vaguely to my crotch and thought, "What the hell if this is cancer? How am I ever going to say I have vaginal cancer, let alone get that shit treated?"

The kicker - I was ovulating for the first time in five years. Yeah, that's how my weekend went.

Conversations

People's main criticism of this blog has been how personal it is. Whether it's me talking about my job, my dates, my friends, my son, or my uterus, people seem to think that I'm sharing too much. What is funny about that is as I've gotten older, my willingness to share information about myself has actually decreased. Yet, there is this blog. This blog creates a dissonance within my external and internal life and has honestly brought me a significant amount of trouble over the past seven years.

I don't really have a good answer as to why I write in this forum, on this site, and on the Internet other than I'm vain enough that I like having people read what I write. I like connecting with other people that might feel the same way as me. Or people who think so differently that they challenge my view of the world. I like reading other people's blog, so I blog myself.

My sister made an interesting point about the posts I've been putting up recently. Whether or not to have another child and how to go about that task are usually conversations between partners, held behind closed doors. Very few friends and family members are brought in on those discussions. Writing through the process is opening myself up to all kinds of observations, criticisms, and doubts. I get that. Normally, when one committed person comes out of a bathroom with a positive pee stick in their hand, it's considered good news when they tell the other person or post a picture of it on Facebook.  I've never once had a woman tell me she's pregnant and asked her if she's sure that it's a good time for a baby and if she's ready for the massive changes in her life. I've never once asked a woman if she could afford to have another child. Never once. Usually because her partner would kick my ass. That, and I live in the South and that would just be considered bad manners on my part to make a pregnant woman cry, even if I did have a valid point.

I'm not sure where to take the conversation from here. So much in my life has changed since I had Zac, but detailing those changes would seem like I'm trying to defend myself. I don't feel like that's necessary.

Out and About

When I came out in this post and declared: I want another baby! there was no caveat to that statement. No asterisk where I said in fine print, "I want another baby unless a well meaning person with good intentions convince me otherwise because I haven't really thought through the consequences of my decision yet". I came out, boldly, with pride, with my decision already made. I knew that there would be detractors. I knew that my family probably wouldn't support me. Didn't anyone think it was odd that I came out as gay and baby-ready in the same post? That I might consider both comments would be met with similar disdain?

I know I'm going against social norms by wanting another child without a partner. I find strength from my LGBT community, many of whom live every day without the support of their immediate or extended family. There are many, many people out there who live their lives every day, out in our communities and in our work places, knowing that people hate them simply because of who they love. People consider them an abomination. I exist within this world and identify with this space.

I'm trying to live my life as authentically as possible and for me, that includes another child.

I came out about having a second child and decided to blog along the way. There was never a question in my mind as to whether or not I would have another child. The only question was when and how. I'm working toward answering those questions. THAT is the process I'm blogging about.

Would this really be easier for people to understand if I went to a bar and picked up a man for a one-night stand? Could it then be considered a "happy accident where I made the best of a bad situation"? Even better, wouldn't it be great for me to form a false relationship with a man, wait until he cares about Zac and me, then drop the bombshell on him that I got pregnant "accidentally". No. That would make me a horrible person.  I would prefer not to trick someone into fatherhood. I'm trying to be as responsible as possible. If Clicker decides he wants to be involved, then he will be. If I decide to use donor sperm, then I will.

Just please don't assume that you know more than me - more about my history, my family, my lack of relationship with the FOB, and most of all, don't even consider uttering one word about Zac. My decision is made. I love my family and would love to add to my family. That's all that is really going on here.

Selfishness

I genuinely meant the disclaimers from my last post, I don't judge any families for their choices and I prefer to have the same amount of respect shown to me. I knew going into this journey that some people wouldn't understand. Going even further than that, I knew that some people would actively dissuade me from having another child without a (preferably male) partner. I've not been disappointed. All those fears that I had about coming out about my desire to have another child were born out of my history of experiences.

Probably the most common comment I've heard is that I'm selfish - I'm not thinking of the child. Along this line of thinking, a child deserves a two-parent family. Depending on who I am talking to, it's either assumed that one parent would be male and the other would be female or that I would have a female partner. Either way, there seems to be an assumption that I haven't fully thought through the consequences of raising another child alone.

The word "another" is really the kicker in the last sentence. I left Zac's biological father, which I refer to as FOB (Father of the Baby) when I was a three-and-a-half months pregnant. I drove across country in a 1995 Honda Civic, hauling a 2,000lb Uhaul by myself until Hershey, PA. My tire blew out spectacularly on I-95 and I panicked and called 911. Then I called my parents. My Dad flew into Pittsburgh the next day and we drove the remaining miles to Texas together. I didn't see the FOB during my entire pregnancy. My Mom was my birthing partner and attended all the birth classes together. My parents took me to the hospital when I was 39 weeks pregnant and ready to be induced. When I needed a C-section about laboring for close to 36 hours without much progress, it was my Mom that scrubbed up to come into the OR with me. When I woke up after the surgery, I was alone in a room, bleeding. My parents were with Zac, who had to go to NICU for three days. When my Mom came back into to check on me, she found me in a pool of my own blood. I left a large pool on the ground that had soaked through the gurney when they wheeled me into another room. With Zac in NICU, I had nothing to do but try and recover from major abdominal surgery alone. My parents went home to get some rest and every time I tried to stand up, more blood would come out of me. I just remember so much blood and being so alone, although in reality I'm sure my parents were there every moment that they could be.

I didn't see the FOB until Zac was six months old and I flew up to New Hampshire to introduce the two of them. He wrote in Zac's baby book and I took some pictures. Then I left, and took my baby with me. Because he is my baby. There is no father listed on my son's birth certificate. Zac used to ask me a lot of questions about his "Dad" but he's never known what it would be like to live with man. He is mine and I am his.

So the argument, "you just haven't done enough research and need to hear about the stories of other child from sperm donors and how the felt and if you just knew more, you probably wouldn't want this for your child" falls on deaf ears with me. How could I ever look Zac in the eye and tell him, "It's ok that you have a biological father you don't know, but it would be cruel to inflict that pain on another child"?

I've chosen my path. I knew what I was walking away from when I left FOB. How is this process any different? Why would I need to listen to other children, when I have my own, who was essentially born to a sperm donor. I don't know, maybe I'm downplaying the comfort it provides my son to have a face and a name to half of his DNA. Maybe he's too young to express into words what that means to him. To me, it almost seems crueler to say, "Don't get your hopes up. Your Dad probably won't write back if you text or e-mail him. He's busy a lot" (and really, I have no idea what he's busy doing. Something I assume, other than avoiding his responsibilities).

Sometimes I'm even willing to accept the harshest criticism that I'm being selfish. Maybe I am putting my desire to have another child over the psychological health of my second born. If I really believed that, then wouldn't I have to logically accept that every woman that walks away from an abusive relationship is being selfish since she is depriving her child of the cherished, two-parent household? Aren't people who get divorced just as selfish as I am?

I've made no secret that some members of my family do not support me giving Zac a sibling. They don't think I'm ready. They argue that I'm not mature enough, not secure enough, financially, emotionally, and professionally. The unsaid threat lies beneath the surface that since this will be my decision, I will be left to face the consequences and will be alone and ostracized. I think that's why I started blogging again. Through my words, I hope to find the community (shit, let's call it what it is -  the family), that I'm defying. I can't think of anything more selfless than to give my body over to nurturing a child in my uterus and promising to love it for the rest of my life, but maybe I am being selfish. I just don't know.

Educational Attainment

As I mentioned previously, I've been simultaneously amusing and horrifying myself by delving into the world of sperm donation. Let's just say that after even a cursory level of research, I understand why couples and single women post ads on Craiglist asking for help. Before I get into this, let's start with the disclaimers: 1) I am in no way an expert on intra-uterine insemination, other than what I've been told by the man I fondly refer to as Repro Guy. He's a Reproductive Endocrinologist, so I basically trust him, even if he has a stern dislike of my ovaries and my treatment of them; 2) I have only looked into two sperm banks. I recognize that literally thousands of banks exist across the country and internationally. I base my opinions solely on these two banks, which were recommended to me by Repro Guy (see comment 1 for more info); 3) I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to make their own decisions based on what is best for their family at any given point. I am not judging or dismissing anyone.

Ok. With that being said....let's talk about sperm. I feel like I should back up and tell any new readers that I got pregnant accidentally ON THE PILL. It was an open bar at one of my friend's wedding and I was on strong antibiotics for an abscess tooth...yada yada, yada...five weeks later a very kind nurse at Planned Parenthood had the misfortune to tell me no less than four times that I was actually pregnant. I bring up this story to note that I've only ever given a fleeting nod to the importance of sperm. I mean, rationally, I knew it was there and I knew that I needed to avoid it. I'm sure that's as far as my 23 year-old mind got when it came to family planning. Hell, my 31 year-old mind hasn't gotten much farther from that until recently.

Sperm - can't carry it on your body and can't get knocked up without it.

I would need pre-washed IUI ready boys. It never occurred to me that there sperm could come in menu format: as in, "I'll have the un-washed intra-cervical sperm today and why don't you just put a four months supply on ice for me while we are at it?" Yeah. Sperm comes in three different levels and if I were more responsible, I'd be able to tell you what exactly what happens to sperm during the process of "washing", but I can't. Literally. I have no idea. I feel like I should feel bad about that, but my doc will only do one kind of insemination, so I don't feel the need to be empowered on this issue. At least not at this point. With this, as with all other areas of this process, I retain the right to change my mind later.

As a consumer, I can tell you that pre-washed IUI sperm is the most expensive. In fact, price was the first thing I noticed when I looked at the bank's websites. The sperm I need is the most expensive by about $150 - $300/vial. Just for reference, with every vial of sperm, I have approximately a 20% chance of getting pregnant provided my doc does it at exactly the right moment of ovulation, which makes me wonder, "How in the hell does anyone get pregnant accidentally anyways?" I was told to buy at least six vials of the good stuff for any serious attempt at baby making.

Even within a particular sperm category, there are hundreds of choices. I want sperm from a Caucasian man, but I really don't care about his eye color, hair color, personality traits, educational attainment, national origin, or college major. I'm completely neutral on the fact that my donor could have a Slavic or Germanic family history. I feel like I should care on behalf of my Mom since she's the family genealogist, but since she's opposed to Baby Number 2, I prefer to remain neutral. I just want to know that my sperm is free of major genetic defects and won't give me a STD. I find it hysterical, however, that the more college the donor goes to, the more his sperm costs. "Pursuing a BA" sperm is less expensive than "MD/PhD sperm" and no, I'm not kidding. "MD/PhD sperm" can cost up to $900/vial and some of the most highly sought after sperm has a waiting list. Read that again and think about that means.

Some sperm has a waiting list.

What the hell are they waiting for? For the man to make another "donation"? For the mysterious washing process to be complete? Are they simply just holding back some sperm to create demand for the product? Do men with a high degree of educational attainment get paid more for their donation? What if I really want doctor sperm, but I'm actually settling for a PhD in History or Psychology. Am I really getting the full value for my money? See...this just brings up so many questions for me, all of which I find vaguely amusing. I could go on for a long time posing hypothetical questions about this sperm. Like: What if I want full biological siblings, but I used all the sperm up on getting preggo with the first kid, do I have to wait for other women to get pregnant before I can give my kid a a biological brother or sister? What if the guy gets deployed or travels out of town or gets into a serious relationship and decides he doesn't want to be a sperm donor anymore? Then what? What if he gets a D in microbiology or chemistry and drops out of medical school, will they reclassify his sperm as "MA or MS sperm"?

But, let's face it, I'm cheap. See also: I've been poor a long time. While I have a list of things I don't care about, I care about price. If I was being really honest, I'd say that I want discount sperm. I'd like the sperm that goes on a 2-for-1 special. If Kmart sold sperm, I would find a Kmart and buy it. So, I'm mainly looking in the "Pursuing a BA" sperm categoy. I'd like to note that, "High School Dropout sperm" doesn't even exist at these two banks. There is also an option where a child can find out the donor's information when they turn 18. That sounds good, until I realize that most men pursuing a BA are probably 18 themselves. Let's imagine this: some banks don't put a limit on the number of pregnancies that can result from their sperm. For simplicity's sake, let's assume that my donor is 20. At the age of 38, do I really want my child, along with 10 or 12 other kids, to seek this man out? Does this 20 year-old man really grasp the consequences of getting paid $50 bucks for a masturbatory session?

There are just too many questions right now. I continue to remain amused, horrified, and very confused.