Educational Attainment

As I mentioned previously, I've been simultaneously amusing and horrifying myself by delving into the world of sperm donation. Let's just say that after even a cursory level of research, I understand why couples and single women post ads on Craiglist asking for help. Before I get into this, let's start with the disclaimers: 1) I am in no way an expert on intra-uterine insemination, other than what I've been told by the man I fondly refer to as Repro Guy. He's a Reproductive Endocrinologist, so I basically trust him, even if he has a stern dislike of my ovaries and my treatment of them; 2) I have only looked into two sperm banks. I recognize that literally thousands of banks exist across the country and internationally. I base my opinions solely on these two banks, which were recommended to me by Repro Guy (see comment 1 for more info); 3) I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to make their own decisions based on what is best for their family at any given point. I am not judging or dismissing anyone.

Ok. With that being said....let's talk about sperm. I feel like I should back up and tell any new readers that I got pregnant accidentally ON THE PILL. It was an open bar at one of my friend's wedding and I was on strong antibiotics for an abscess tooth...yada yada, yada...five weeks later a very kind nurse at Planned Parenthood had the misfortune to tell me no less than four times that I was actually pregnant. I bring up this story to note that I've only ever given a fleeting nod to the importance of sperm. I mean, rationally, I knew it was there and I knew that I needed to avoid it. I'm sure that's as far as my 23 year-old mind got when it came to family planning. Hell, my 31 year-old mind hasn't gotten much farther from that until recently.

Sperm - can't carry it on your body and can't get knocked up without it.

I would need pre-washed IUI ready boys. It never occurred to me that there sperm could come in menu format: as in, "I'll have the un-washed intra-cervical sperm today and why don't you just put a four months supply on ice for me while we are at it?" Yeah. Sperm comes in three different levels and if I were more responsible, I'd be able to tell you what exactly what happens to sperm during the process of "washing", but I can't. Literally. I have no idea. I feel like I should feel bad about that, but my doc will only do one kind of insemination, so I don't feel the need to be empowered on this issue. At least not at this point. With this, as with all other areas of this process, I retain the right to change my mind later.

As a consumer, I can tell you that pre-washed IUI sperm is the most expensive. In fact, price was the first thing I noticed when I looked at the bank's websites. The sperm I need is the most expensive by about $150 - $300/vial. Just for reference, with every vial of sperm, I have approximately a 20% chance of getting pregnant provided my doc does it at exactly the right moment of ovulation, which makes me wonder, "How in the hell does anyone get pregnant accidentally anyways?" I was told to buy at least six vials of the good stuff for any serious attempt at baby making.

Even within a particular sperm category, there are hundreds of choices. I want sperm from a Caucasian man, but I really don't care about his eye color, hair color, personality traits, educational attainment, national origin, or college major. I'm completely neutral on the fact that my donor could have a Slavic or Germanic family history. I feel like I should care on behalf of my Mom since she's the family genealogist, but since she's opposed to Baby Number 2, I prefer to remain neutral. I just want to know that my sperm is free of major genetic defects and won't give me a STD. I find it hysterical, however, that the more college the donor goes to, the more his sperm costs. "Pursuing a BA" sperm is less expensive than "MD/PhD sperm" and no, I'm not kidding. "MD/PhD sperm" can cost up to $900/vial and some of the most highly sought after sperm has a waiting list. Read that again and think about that means.

Some sperm has a waiting list.

What the hell are they waiting for? For the man to make another "donation"? For the mysterious washing process to be complete? Are they simply just holding back some sperm to create demand for the product? Do men with a high degree of educational attainment get paid more for their donation? What if I really want doctor sperm, but I'm actually settling for a PhD in History or Psychology. Am I really getting the full value for my money? See...this just brings up so many questions for me, all of which I find vaguely amusing. I could go on for a long time posing hypothetical questions about this sperm. Like: What if I want full biological siblings, but I used all the sperm up on getting preggo with the first kid, do I have to wait for other women to get pregnant before I can give my kid a a biological brother or sister? What if the guy gets deployed or travels out of town or gets into a serious relationship and decides he doesn't want to be a sperm donor anymore? Then what? What if he gets a D in microbiology or chemistry and drops out of medical school, will they reclassify his sperm as "MA or MS sperm"?

But, let's face it, I'm cheap. See also: I've been poor a long time. While I have a list of things I don't care about, I care about price. If I was being really honest, I'd say that I want discount sperm. I'd like the sperm that goes on a 2-for-1 special. If Kmart sold sperm, I would find a Kmart and buy it. So, I'm mainly looking in the "Pursuing a BA" sperm categoy. I'd like to note that, "High School Dropout sperm" doesn't even exist at these two banks. There is also an option where a child can find out the donor's information when they turn 18. That sounds good, until I realize that most men pursuing a BA are probably 18 themselves. Let's imagine this: some banks don't put a limit on the number of pregnancies that can result from their sperm. For simplicity's sake, let's assume that my donor is 20. At the age of 38, do I really want my child, along with 10 or 12 other kids, to seek this man out? Does this 20 year-old man really grasp the consequences of getting paid $50 bucks for a masturbatory session?

There are just too many questions right now. I continue to remain amused, horrified, and very confused.