Indigo Hues

"What makes me think I can start clean-slated?

The hardest to learn was the least complicated"

I've relearned in the past month some of the basic tenets of relationships: be good to others; cruelty will always be returned to you, usually more powerfully than you delivered it to someone else; cherish your family; remember to smile. I've been so far from perfect that I wouldn't even suggest that I was in the realm of even being good. I'm trying, though. Every day I wake up and I'm trying. If I didn't believe that I would be happier and healthier than I was, it would be almost impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning. I'm seeing a new therapist that wants to see me once a week. I have no idea how I'm going to work that into my schedule since I'm in a negative with sick and vacation hours at work, but I'm purposefully putting my hands and my ears and singing, "la la la" whenever I start to think of the finer logistical points of getting to therapy before 6pm every week.

Zac has been struggling a bit. Now that we are back in our apartment he frequently asks if he can sleep next to me, only to wake up in the morning and ask to go into his own room. That makes me wonder if it's possible that I'm snoring louder than he is or if we've reversed the ninja kicking. Maybe he feels the most confident between 5 and 7am. I don't know. He also wants to hold my hand as much as possible. If I'm walking in front of him, trying to get out to the car as fast as possible before work, he calls out: "Wait Mama! I want to hold your hand!!" I stop, wait for his little legs to catch up, and then we go out to the car together. Man, he's a cute kid.

When Zac and I picked my sister and brother-in-law up from the airport, we met up with them at the baggage claim. I left Zac with my sister, rather quickly. He was acting all shy and I knew that negotiation with him would fail, so I just told him that I would be right back and dropped his hand. My sister asked him what was wrong and he told her, "I'm nervous," which for some reason impresses the hell out of me. As MNS said, kids are great because they will actually tell you what they are feeling, rather than adults who will do almost anything to hide how they really feel.

I'm a little more cautious this time around about blogging about how I really feel. All of my blog posts are saved and unpublished. There was just too much unhappiness in one place for me to feel good about them even if I know that I am more than a composite sketch of words. For now, I'm happy leaving those words to rest a minute. I need a clean slate.