Welcome to my Uterus!

It's not very often that I invite people into one of my body's organs, but there has been so much activity in this particular organ that I thought it would say hello. Really, if my uterus could speak, it would say, "Get that fucking thing out of me and never go back to that doctor again!"

Let me back up. Start at the beginning, as it was. Like an egg forming in my ovary perhaps we'll get to my uterus one day (was the analogy too much? Sorry. It's all I've got. I'm a little rough around the edges with writing these days. Ever since the facebook fiasco).

I announced a while ago, in this post, that I wanted another child. I'm not sure how we got from January to now without having a post about my uterus, but all I can say is that I've been busy. It took me a while to schedule appointments with all the doctors that would weigh in on my decision to have a baby. I had to see my wonderful ObGyn in her new building, I had to get referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, I had to talk to my bariatric surgeon about whether my body could handle pregnancy, really, I was quite busy.

My ObGyn was very confused at first, as in "I just put this IUD in you a year ago, why are you taking it out now?" Then she looked pleased with herself when I told her I wanted another baby, like she personally would be getting me pregnant. Getting out my IUD was a momentous day. I have been on either birth control pills or intra-cervical hormones since after Zac was born. Basically, I am now hormone-free for the first time in seven years. It's been easily five years or so since I've had a period and I've had two in the past four weeks. My body rocks! Anyways, the ObGyn referred me to the Repro Guy. I didn't want to go alone to that appointment and, man, that was a mistake.

I ended up asking Clicker to go with me. The doc took one look at him, looked at me, and asked how long we had been married in his thick Turkish accent. When I told him I wasn't married to Clicker and was thinking about using donor sperm, he jerked his head sideways to Clicker and asked me in a low tone, "What's wrong with him?" I think I blushed through that entire interrogation, I mean initial consultation. I quickly assured him that we had no idea if anything was wrong with Clicker and that I hadn't made my mind up as to how I would have a child yet. He turned to his resident and was like, "Really?", then turned back to me, "And you have NO history of infertility? This is very strange." I agreed. Then, again - I couldn't even make this up if I tried - he looked at my chart on his computer and said, "You're 31, with a history of smoking, you could have 40 year-old ovaries!!! We need to look at your eggs, immediately. Like, today." I was overwhelmed and frightened. "What do you mean, today?" I asked. He said, "Right now. Get up on the table."

Flash forward to me getting my first transvaginal ultrasound and thinking the whole time, "Wow, this really is as bad as Democrats make it out to be". Repro Guy was shoving that thing so far inside me that I thought it might just pop the whole organ and take pregnancy out the window. Turns out, ovaries are like acorns, with follicles inside them. Egg-making follicles. He flattened them out, which involves pushing the wand on the ovary, to count the follicles. If I've said it one time, I've said it a thousand - internal organs are not used to being fucked with. They don't like. They fight back. It felt like someone had sucker punched my ovaries. I was horrified. Repro Guy was pleasantly pleased with the number of follicles I had and pronounced me fit for breeding.

I went back three weeks later, because apparently I enjoy punishing my uterus, for a HSG test. I could google what HSG stands for, but I'm lazy, so I'll give you the short-hand. It stands for, "OMG. My doctor has his entire hand inside me and just squired dye into my uterine cavity via my cervix. Ow. I would like to curl up into the fetal position, but first, I would need to remove Repro Guy's forearm. Oh look, now they are taking x-rays of my junk. This couldn't get any better if I tried." Then, the test was over and I, again, wondered why so many reproductive tests make me want to cry.

Ok, let me wrap this up. No baby in the uterus right now. Look forward to a post about donor sperm and how much fun I have thinking about men that are "Pursuing their BA".