Perfection is a Tough Place

I probably could look back in my personal history and pick a worse time to be studying for the GMAT exam. There is the time when I took the GRE. That was pretty awful. I was pregnant in my first trimester with Zac. I did fairly well considering that I had to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes and only briefly glanced at the review book. Looking back, though, I was only two years out of college and had been teaching English and learning a hard language. If my brain is a car, it was finely tuned and running smoothly then. I can't say as much for my brain now. I frequently forget where I park the car and have been known to fall asleep while sitting up. Really, the only worse time than now to take a graduate entrance exam would have been the periods when I was severely depressed and in and out of hospitals.

Yet I've decided to study for a difficult exam and enter graduate school, upon admission to the school of course, in summer 2009. I've been debating this decision for the past six years. I graduated college in 2002 and finally, just finally, decided that this was the year that I should get a graduate degree. It feels like now or never, even though rationally I know that isn't the case. I just feel committed. I bought a study book and CD. I have asked my people to be my references, for the first time ever. I've requested copies of my transcript to be sent to various schools. I'm farther along in the process now than I've ever been in the past. Usually I just look at programs and dream wistfully about possibly studying again in an academic environment.

Thinking about getting a MBA has been completely new to me. I always thought I'd get my masters in public policy or international development. I didn't even think about a MBA until I was sitting in my last fundraising class and the speaker talked about getting her MBA because it was one of the most widely recognizeable degrees across the non-profit and for-profit sector. Something struck a chord in me. Maybe it was because I'm feeling so burned out. I thought I was dedicated to non-profit work, but all of the work on nights and weekends, the fights to earn a decent market wage, and the non-existent benefits have started to wear on me. If I include my senior year of college when I did an internship for a non-profit, I've been in the non-profit field for seven years. Eighteen months of that time, I lived in Mongolia and ate more sheep meat then one person should consume. Since I've been back in America, I've been my own administrative assistant for longer than I care to admit. I'm getting tired of working alone in a office. I'd like to work collaboratively with a team, to be excited about going to work, to have coworkers that I can talk to, at the very least professionally.

Part of wanting a MBA is wanting the chance to experience another kind of work environment. I'm ready for a change. God help me, though, this change is coming at a high cost. I feel like I need to be on top of my game to pull off working two jobs, "volunteering", and studying for the GMAT, and applying to schools.

Last night I stayed up later than I wanted working on a short essay for an application to a "Women's Weekend" at one of the schools I'm applying to (all three are in the Houston area. I can't imagine moving right now, not when I still have boxes that I haven't unpacked and roaches that I haven't killed yet). I was invited to apply for the weekend, which made me instantly long for Smith. I realized that in my essay about why I would like to pursue my MBA at such and such business school, I didn't even write about their support of women professionals and how much their active recruitment of female MBA students means to me. I didn't write about it because it feels instinctive to me. I'm more shocked when colleges DON'T do that. Only 30% of incoming MBA graduate students are women. It's an understatement to say that I appreciate institutions supporting the advancement of women. I was spoiled by attending a college that was dedicated to that purpose.

Unfortunately, this post has taken me almost two full weeks to write because I just can't seem to find enough time for everything that I need to do. The mandatory volunteer work involved me drafting up a solicitation letter and printing a 1,000 copies of the letter, solicitation card, and envelopes. I had to cut the solicitation cards into thirds and staple the entire packet (letter, card, envelope) together for distribution. Now I need to write another letter for my own organization and make sure that we pass the administrative and site review that's scheduled for tomorrow.

I know that I don't need to be perfect, but I need to be pretty damn good and the realization of that is hard sometimes. In order to make this all work, I need to avoid falling asleep in an idling car for an hour in the parking lot of my son's preschool. I need to keep doing the dishes and unloading the dish washer so the ants don't find Zac's syrupy plates and milk-rimmed glasses. I need to rely on family, friends, partners, and coworkers to help and support me. There is too much to do and not enough of me to be able to accomplish everything.

I'm never going to be perfect.