I'm Dying

(My apologies to folks who read part of this story already when it was up at this site. Just consider this a recap)

I'm all kinds of dramatic. I know this about myself. What's funny is that I tend to be like most people and will go crazy over a stubbed toe that is clearly an indicator my complete lack of balance and potential inner ear disorder. Yet, it took me 6 weeks to actually go to a doctor for a dry mouth. Mostly because, seriously, who goes to the doctor for a dry mouth? So if we back up from the time that I wrote that post, I have been having problems with my mouth since July 1st or so.

August: I pay $20 to see my old primary care physician, who looked at the whiteness in my mouth and on my tongue and said, "Why yes. I know what it is. It doesn't look exactly like thrush, but thrush it could be. Take this horrible oral anti-fungal medication four times a day for 14 days." Me: "Uh...ok. I guess I have been on a lot of antibiotics for a while now". The only problem is that anti-fungal medication didn't cure the problem. I called and asked for a refill and took all 192 doses of the next round. Guess what didn't happen? Yep, it didn't clear anything up. I still had a dry mouth and whiteness. It felt/feels like I'm constantly sucking on something sour, only drinking water doesn't make it any better.

September 21st: I pay $20 to see my new doctor at the very large, very prestigious medical school clinic in Houston. She looked at my mouth and said (no, I'm not kidding): "It's not thrush. You have a white film on your tongue and throat that goes away when I scrape it. You have an oral disturbance. I will prescribe an anti-fungal, but it probably won't work". Me: "Uh...what do you mean it won't work?" Her: "It's not thrush, but you can try this. It's a very good anti-fungal, but if it doesn't work, it's because I don't know what you have." Me: "Oh well then" (and like an idiot walked out of her office without asking her to 1)culture my throat or 2)address the back pain that I went into the office for. I will give her credit for one thing, it wasn't thrush and the medication didn't work. I guess I was hoping for some kind of miracle cure.

October 20th: I saw my Ob-Gyn, also at the very large, very prestigious medical college clinic. Since I paid a $45 co-pay to see her for my annual checkup, I ask her to look at my mouth. I figured she'd be swabbing things anyway. She looks at me and says, "Well, I don't see too many mouths in my line of work, but sure, I'll take a look". Then I fell in love with her. We are moving to California after the holidays to raise baby llamas together. But seriously, she cultured my mouth. Three days later she sent me an e-mail (can you see why I love her?) that she FOLLOWED UP with a personal phone call. It's like I've died and gone to Ob-Gyn heaven. Unfortunately, that culture showed yeast, but then again, I asked an Ob-Gyn to look at my mouth. Of course she saw yeast. She's a veritable yeast whisperer. I go back on anti-fungal (the same one as in August) and think, "Maybe, just maybe this magical woman has it in her powers to cure me." Well, she didn't, but she at least referred me to an ENT. Would you believe that insurance companies don't accept referrals from Ob-Gyns for ENTs? The nerve. I had to call my primary physician (the new one) back and ask very nicely for a referral without another office visit.

November 3rd: I see the referred ENT and she's lovely, even if she's not located in the same office building that all the other doctors are in and I have to pay a $45 co-pay to see her. My throat has started to hurt fiercely and there are strange things coming from my nose. I'm pretty sure I'm dying a slow, dry death. She cultures both my nose AND my throat after looking at them both extensively and proclaiming, "My word! Your lymphatic system is completely inflamed. Have you been feeling run down? You look like you'd be feeling run down". To which I answered, "Well, I have this thing...with my throat....and now my nose....and how about you fix it, mkay?" She agreed to my conditions and had her nurse come in to give me instructions. The nurse comes in with a water bottle and a sheet for mixing baking soda and salt in equal quantities to gargle and brush with. The water bottle is supposed to go up my nose where I would squirt 4oz of water and solution into each nasal cavity while repeating, "Kitty, kitty, kitty" over and over so it wouldn't go down my throat. I just sat there staring at the nurse going, "Oh yeah. I bet you love your job". They sent me down five floors to drop off my culture samples in a very large, non-profit hospital in the middle of a damn medical center of office buildings. I confuse easily. I blame my inner ear disorder.

November 6th: ENT nurse calls me and says, "So...it turns out that you don't have an oral yeast infection. You have MULTIPLE EXOTIC STRAINS OF BACTERIA" (direct quote). Me: "What the hell??" Her: "I'm calling in an antibiotic to your pharmacy. Take it for 14 days and call us back." Me: "Wait, I thought this problem started from being on antibiotics." Her: "Umm...I don't know. Just don't call before you finish the prescription"

Today: Day 3 of very-expensive-antibiotic-that-had-no-generic-equivalent. My mouth is worse than ever. Very, very dry and all white. I want to go home and take a nap, but I know that if I do I'll wake up and my mouth will still have bacteria (and not the good kind) growing in it.

Now you have the story about how I'm dying and why I'm completely broke from office visit and prescription co-pays. Moral of the story: ask for cultures the first time, don't see general practioners when a specialist is more qualified, then make sure you see the right specialist, and once you are at said specialist, for the love of God, make sure you confirm that the medication they put you on will have a generic. The end.