Well....There is That

Thank you for the support from my last blog post. It was a very difficult time, but I'm hoping that I've turned a corner. I worked with one of my former teammates from school, which made work incredibly uncomfortable. I also found out that I wasn't qualified for a management training program at work, so I started looking for a new job. I went to a two-day career fair at my University and met a guy talking about the brokerage industry that was a Tulane alum. I walked up to him after his talk and we started talking. He called me the next week and we continued our conversation. I sent him my resume and cover letter. Later that week I was asked to come in for a math/finance/economics test and completed a personality test online. Then I was asked to come in for an interview. Then I went in for a second interview at a branch office that is 3 miles from where I live.

....and....I got the job. I know, I was more surprised than anyone. I know work as a Financial Advisor trainee at one of the largest retail brokerage houses in the US. I was accepted into their three-year training program. I quit my old job, took a day off, and started my new job on Friday.

It's all happened so fast. It feels like just last week I wrote my last post about barely making it through each day at work. Now I'm studying for my Series 7 and 66 brokerage and insurance exams and buying business suits. It's a little bit Alice in Wonderland and it hasn't completely sunk in yet. It's hard for me to really believe that my life has taken such a good turn. I'm hesitant to scream, "Woo hoo!" because I still have the same medical challenges that I've had for the past seven years. It's still easier for me to fall asleep than stay awake. But wow...what a difference a month can make.

Back

Here I am. I never really left the Internet or Blogging...just took an extended break. Life has been hard since I got back from the international trips. My motivation to finish my MBA dropped to near zero and work became harder and harder. Sometime, I don't even know when now, let's say early June, I got called into my boss' office. The Director of Human Resources was there. I was told that my teammates had come and talked to my boss about my behavior at work. Basically, at a minimum they tried to get me off their team. As a worst-case scenario, they tried to get me fired. I can't even really think about it and I'm not going to rehash everything on here in detail. There were parts of my behavior that were unacceptable and parts that were a direct result of the medical problems I face. I actually had to get a note from my Shrink explaining some of the side effects of my medication. I kept my job and had to confront all four of my team members. I apologized for my behavior, smiled, and tried to forget the betrayal. I buried it deeply within me and forced myself to go to work everyday. Head down. Just focus on the job. I now have to go into an empty office or into the hallway when I need to call one of my many doctors or business offices.

Then the same thing happened with my team in school. Even higher stakes. The team, again, all four of them, went to the Dean of the Business School and asked that I be removed from the team. This time, it was effective. The Dean said that if it was an unanimous decision then it was binding. They didn't even have the courage to tell me themselves. The Dean called me and told me. I had three choices at that point: 1) Ask another team if I could join them; 2) Form a team of one and complete all of the assignments by myself; 3) Suspend school for a year and be placed in another team; or I lied, there was a fourth option 4) Quit school 16 months into a 22 month degree program. I've already spent close to $55,ooo - to not get a degree at this point would be such a collassal waste of money that I couldn't even begin to comprehend it.

But the betrayal. I had worked closely with these four people throughout the past year. I knew them personally. I thought they knew me. I had a bad reaction to a medication and fell asleep and missed an hour of the team meeting. Unprofessional? Yes. Excusable? Possibly, if you knew the story. My problem is that I only really tell my problems on this blog. I used to put them on Facebook, but I realized that I would be more successful broadcasting my needs and struggles on the side of my car. At least then I wouldn't have the shame of knowing that someone who knew me in the 8th grade knows about my chronic pain.

Then I stopped blogging. I just held everything in. More and more pain. The night the Dean called me I took four Ambien and slept for 18 hours. Then woke up, talked to my therapist, and took some more Ambien. I couldn't even cope with being awake and existing with my feelings. Two distinct parts of my life had cast me out because I didn't tell them that my medication makes me fall asleep and I have to go to more doctor's appointments than an "average", healthy 29 year-old.

Now I just try to make it through the day. I've had to disclose my medical problems at work. I found a new team at school. I hate almost every moment that I'm in class and I'm counting down the days until graduation. I'm in a class of 28 and trying to avoid the four former classmates is almost impossible.

If it's possible, these experiences have made me more negative and more cynical. Perception matters. It didn't matter that I got all my work done at work, all my teammates saw was that I wasn't pulling my own weight. My teammates at school loved me when I was getting them A's on their papers, but turned against me within a week. What people think matters. You need to play nice with others. You'll get cast out otherwise and it's cold outside.

Central America

I'm not sure how time keeps getting away from me. I'm lucky if I make it home from work without sharp pain in my hands and arms. Turning on the computer to blog is the last thing that I want to do and Zac ends up playing on the computer most nights after he takes a bath, so it's easier to just lie on my couch and read or watch television.

I'm in Guatemala now and an unbelievably beautiful college campus in a lush, tropical capital city. If the capital is this beautiful, I can't imagine what the rest of the country must look like. I just posted on Facebook, being in a place like this makes me wonder why America (and Houston being the worst offender) tore down all the trees and vegetation in the name of progress and commerce. Houston is so ugly that it hurts some times.

Yet I digress. I have a burning issue that I need to get out. Basically, about three months ago, I was evaluated for lap band surgery. My weight had gotten so high that I was uncomfortable and I can't help but wonder if my physical pain is compounded by the amount of weight I'm carrying around. I'm huge. I know I've said that before, but really....now I have photographic evidence.

This picture was taken of me in Panama, standing outside with my professor and a couple of classmates. I didn't even recognize myself at first glance. Damn, I can't upload it, but trust me when I say that I'm not exaggerating. I look round...everywhere. My face, my arms, my stomach. I'm round. Now I'm second guessing my decision to wait until I finish my graduate program to get the surgery. I've been trying to diet on my own, but it's not working. I feel stuck and everytime I weigh myself and the scale doesn't move, I feel like a failure. Then I eat to make myself feel better. Then I'm disgusted by how much I ate...and the cycle continues.

There isn't much I can do, except start exercising during my lunch hour, which is a possibility. I'm not sure. I'm in such a stressful, hard part of life with Zac learning and growing more every day, yet not being completely independent and me in school and working full-time.

Ugh....that's all I've got for a conclusion...ugh.

Catch All

Oh hello there...it's been a long time. My fault completely. Well, not completely my fault. Let me see if I can explain. About a month ago I was diagnosed with carpal tunnels and tennis elbow in my right arm. It made typing a bit painful and I was doing more than enough typing between work and school. I had nerve testing done and they found no significant nerve damage and I am still able to respond to light sensation in my finger tips. That's a good sign. I went to an Orthopedic Hand Surgeon and he gave me two injections of steroid and lidocaine -one in my wrist and one in my elbow. After three days of extreme pain, I felt better. He also gave me a wrist brace, which I wore while at the computer and driving. Everything was going fine and I was planning on going back to the Ortho Doc and telling him that I was ok. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of wearing a brace for the immediate future, but I wasn't in excruciating pain, so it seemed like a trade-off.

Then I went to the physical therapist for my elbow. My pain isn't actually in my elbow, it's in the tendons in my forearm, on both the topside and the bottoms ide, for lack of better words. The therapist told me that I was over wearing the brace and could cause muscle weakness and soreness. She wants me to stretch and strengthen the tendons to see if that gives me any relief and wants to know when I'm in pain. Basically, she wants to use my pain as a diagnostic tool. I'm not a big fan of this approach - mostly because it means that I have to get worse before I feel better. I'm willing to give it a try. As I write this, I'm not wearing my brace and feel some pain at the top of my wrist, forearm, and twinges in my elbow. Not much fun.

Let's see...what else. It's been six weeks without any car accidents. Given my recent string of them (3 in two weeks) I consider that a significant improvement.

I'm on a break from school right now. Technically we are in a module called "Cross Cultural Management", but really it should be called, "Traveling to Central American Countries and Trying Not to Get Sick or Stressed Out". I showed up for my flight to Panama last week, only to be turned away. My passport was only valid for the next 60 days and Panama required that your passport be valid for 90 AFTER the departure date of your trip. I couldn't leave with the rest of my class. I left the airport and went speeding to the closest regional passport office (conveniently located in downtown Houston) and arrived about 45 minutes before they were about to close at 3:30pm. First, let me say that I would love to have a job that ended at 3:30pm every day. That sounds lovely. Second, I can say that miracles do happen, even in the realm of government bureaucracy. I paid for an expedited passport and was told that I could pick up my passport at 2:30pm the next day. Well....that wasn't going to work because there are only two flights a day to Panama on Continental, one at 9am and the other at 3pm. I needed to be on the 3pm flight or I'd miss another full day on what was turning out to be a very short trip.

I went up to Huntsville to see a guy that I've started dating. We hung out and the next morning I drove down to the office in Houston around 11:30am. I asked if there was anyway my passport was done and the guy behind the counter said it was my lucky day because my passport was ready. He handed it to me and a rush of excitement went through my body. It actually worked! I was actually going to go to Panama. I went from there immediately to the airport where I met up with my Tulane professor that was on the same flight as me.

By the time we got through customs and got the hotel, the group (my grad school class, 10 Guatemalan, and a couple Venezuelans) were returning from an evening at the Panama Canal. I was bummed that I missed that, but still glad to be there. The weather there was unbelievable. About 90-98 degrees with 90-100% humidity. It rained almost every day and felt like Houston in August, minus the scorching sun. It was hot. So hot that I think I sweated the entire three days I was there. Just really damn hot.

I did have a good time while I was in Panama, including a jaunt with some Guatemalan students to the largest mall in Central America. I purchased some overpriced Panama souvenirs and sweated some more in the dense crowd in the mall. Fortunately, much like Central Asia, I was taller than most people in the crowd, so at least I could see. That's something.

When I got back to Houston I almost immediately started cramping and going to the bathroom 4-5 times an hour. The cramping continued on through the next day and I went to the doctor after some blood was involved. I won't get into particulars here, but let's just say that strong antibiotics and anti-cramping medication have seemed to solve the problem. Thank God. That is the last time that I will drink "filtered" tap water at a hotel, but even if I avoid that, I was still brushing my teeth with tap water and consuming ice from who knows where. They could have been filling up their ice trays from a hose in the back for all I know or an expensive filtration system. According to the Panama Tourism Authority, the water in Panama City is fine - in fact, it's the best in the world. Then again, that guy also said that everything in Panama was the best in the world so maybe I should doubt the source a bit more.

In two weeks we are leaving for Guatemala. We're spending one night in Guatemala City and the next two nights in Antigua, the ancient capital of South America. Guatemala is supposed to be much more temperate, although a smidgen more crime-ridden than Panama. Panama is the white-color crime center. There banking and financial sector rivals America's. It was amazing. They don't even print their own currency. They just use US dollars.

Other than that, I'm back on my diet after falling off the wagon for the last six weeks. I felt huge and awkward around the slim Latin Americans. It was good motivation to try to focus on dieting again. Plus we don't have actual class in Houston until June, so at least I can't blame school food or boredom during class for high calorie snacking. I'm trying. That's what's important. I usually feel so disgusted with myself that I don't even want to think about it. I cram food down my throat to make me feel better, then feel intense amount of shame at what I just did. I hate it. It's a vicious cycle that I'm trying to get better at.

Well, I'll try to be better about updating more frequently. I have a lot to talk about and I've missed blogging. Hope you all are well. Drop a comment and let me know what you've been up to.

-B-

Appreciation

If you've been following me on facebook, you've known that I've been on a bit of a roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. At least I stopped crashing cars. That's something to be proud of. Right now I'm listening to hard core west coast rap with east coast influences on headphones, jamming along with the music...letting it take me to a place where I can't feel and my heart stops racing.

Even with all of that, there is one thing that I am struck by today. I have some amazing people in my life. There are people that would go to the mat for me, to use a "Godfather" reference. People that will look me straight in the eye and tell me, "You need to do what makes you happy because you deserve to be happy, every day," There are people that protect me in ways that I wish I could protect myself. These people that still see things in me that I used to believe were there, before I lost all the confidence in myself and turned into a sniveling whiner that can't take much more than a sideways look without thinking that it means I'm a bad person. Sometimes it amazes me that their faith in me is unwavering. I disappoint them, show them all of my faults and flaws, and they still call and ask me how I'm doing and tell me to text them, any time, just to make sure that I'm safe.

Right now, all I can say is thank you. You are appreciated in my life. You are what holds me together on the days where it feels like everything is falling apart. Thank you.

Crash(es)

I'm not sure how so much time has passed since I last blogged. There has just been a lot going on. I'm finishing up my first month here at my new job. To finish the story from the previous post, I received a verbal warning for showing up late to the Houston branch and not calling into my corporate managers (although I did call in, immediately, to the branch itself, but apparently I didn't follow correct protocol by letting everyone know at corporate). The warning was then written down on paper and signed by my boss. I had the option of also signing the paper and having it put in my H.R. file or writing a rebuttal letter, but I chose the easiest option and just accepted the letter, as it was, and filed it for myself.

What's even more disturbing than a written, verbal writing within the first month of my job has been what's been going on while driving to work. I've been in three accidents in two weeks. There, I said it. All of them have been my fault and all of them have occurred on my way to work in the morning. With the first accident, I simply looked down at my phone and rear-ended the person in front of me. There was minimal damage to the hood and license plate that I took to a body shop and had repaired that day. Accident #2 occurred just three days later. The roads were wet from rain and I was driving too fast for the gridlock of Houston rush hour traffic. The car in front of me stopped and I slammed on my brakes and skidded into him. Since I was braking so hard, the front of my car actually went under the bumper of the car in front of me. The hood damage that I had repaired was compounded into a wrinkly mess of metal and red paint transfer on the front of my car.

Accident #3 was by far the scariest. I was driving to San Antonio for work. It's about a three-and-a-half hour drive each way. I was only a mile or so from my exit, doing about 75 mph in a 70 mph speed zone on a two-lane stretch of highway outside San Antonio. I looked into the passenger seat for the notebook that I had written my directions on and my car drifted into the gravel on the left-hand side of the road. I overcompensated by turning the wheel sharply to the right and braking hard. The car went into a spin. I crossed over the right-hand lane and ended up traveling in the wrong direction on the westbound freeway. My car slammed into a curb, exploding the wheel, causing the back tire on the driver's side to go flat. Thankfully, no one was in the right-hand lane when I went over and all the cars stopped or went around me. A Good Samaritan and his son put on the car's donut, which was barely drivable. I turned on the flashers and drove 20 mph to the San Antonio branch.

I was going to have the car towed to a tire dealership where I could get a wheel and a tire put on, but apparently one of the advantages for working for a distribution company that has a lot of transportation equipment is deals with guys that will come to the facility for basic repair and maintenance. By 4pm that day, I paid a guy $100 to put on a steel wheel and used tire in the branch parking lot. I was on my way home by 5:30pm, very slowly this time. The car's alignment was pulling hard to the right and there was a strange burning smell. I made it home and the car went into the body shop for the damage sustained during Accident #2 and #3.

I wish I knew what it all meant. On Monday night I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't stop racing thinking about what could have happened had there been another car in the right-hand lane or if I had a head-on collision with another car while I was traveling in the wrong direction. I had risked my own life and the life of strangers traveling on the same road. I called a crisis center. The woman that finally answered, after putting me on hold for ten minutes, thinks that I'm possibly trying to sabotage my new job. She said I should give myself the freedom to look for another job if I continue to get in accidents and have such a high level of stress that I could possibly become distracted doing daily tasks, like driving.

There is something to be said about managing my stress better. I feel like I'm finally getting into a new routine and getting used to my hour long commute, although some days are better than others. I am still exhausted by the end of the week and my school work has been suffering. I limped my way through the past module and am having a hard time completing the final take home exam for my marketing class. I'm trying to not to beat myself up about it, just realizing how high my stress level is right now. That's just easier said than done.

And Then There Are Days

Where you are probably better off staying in bed. Contrary to appearances to the contrary, I actually try pretty hard to be a professional, put together young woman that is a shining representative of her company. Then there is reality. I was tired when I woke up today and decided that once my Dad got Zac off to school that I would go back to sleep...just five minutes I rationalized. Except I can never sleep just five minutes. An hour later I woke up in a panic and raced out of the house. Guess what I forgot to take? If you guessed the medication that helps me avoid falling asleep while driving, you'd be correct. I realized this error about half way through a tour of a box factory when I couldn't keep my eyes open.

So besides showing up late, I feel asleep sitting up while watching a purchaser work her magic on the computer. Basically, I've been worthless today. Worse than worthless, bordering on an embarassing liability for the corporate office. I'm at the branch office this week and somehow can't seem to find the words: "I'm off my meds today" to describe my erratic behavior.

I have more to write about my new job, new school for Zac, and new commute for me, but I'll save that for a time when I have access to a keyboard bigger than my thumb. Wish me better luck tomorrow. I need it if I'm going to keep this job.