12w 6d

I'm not sure how many more posts I can write about how sick I am. I'm officially out of my first trimester, yet you would never know it with the violent puking this morning. I barely made it from my house to my parents house before getting so sick. Let's see...things that have changed since my last post.

I had another two ultrasounds. For those keeping track at home, that was number 4 and number 5. The nuchal scan is a relatively new test that measures the fluid behind the baby's neck to test for Down's Syndrome and Trisomony 13/18. Unfortunately, the baby has to either be on its back or stomach with the nasal bone visible. Here's my kid, clearly lying on its side waving at the machine:

It looked like my uterus was super cozy. After an hour, the ultrasound tech gave up and KGII and I were told to come back.

So I guess that was new. After not speaking for two weeks, KGII reached out to me and we talked. I invited him to the ultrasound and he drove down and met me at the doctor's office. I'm a fairly physical person, but with him, in that room, there was just so much touching and rubbing! He wanted to hold my hand and rub my arm and the whole time I was like, "What the heck?". I would swear it was during that ultrasound he realized that I was having his kid. Something clicked. I had so much resentment towards him that it was hard for me to experience that next to him. I didn't want to completely shut him down, but I wasn't sure how to handle all the emotions he was having. He was protective and kind.

After the first ultrasound we went down two hospitals and I got all the fluid out of my band. The hunger is like nothing I've ever experienced. Even after I eat, the hunger pangs claw through me. It feels like I have a gaping black hole where my stomach used to be. I literally can't eat enough to satiate myself. Sometimes I'm so hungry that I get nauseous. Basically, I can eat whatever I want now, but: 1) I don't want to. After 18 months of learning portion sizes, it's difficult, to say the least, to expand those triplefold. I have no restriction and feel like I could eat the side of a car if I put my mind to it; 2) I'm still sick and sometimes I feel so sick that my stomach physically aches. Yes, I'm taking B6 for the morning sickness. I am taking so many supplements right now, that my supplements have their own supplements. The iron for anemia accompanies the fiber supplements and stool softeners. The B6 accompanies the B12. The prenatal goes down like a rock.

Within the past week, I've started showing and I would swear I've gained five - ten pounds. Although, wow, I just stepped on a scale and I'm still at 186. I was supposed to be at least 187 coming out of my first trimester. Weight gain is challenging for me, emotionally. Although I know that my doctor wanted me to gain weight and it's perfectly normal to gain weight during pregnancy, it feels like a failure and I don't know what to do with these emotions.

Ugh...these emotions. Hello hormones. Good bye all rational logic.