14w 6d (Don't Make Me Kill You)

Some people are bad drunks. They get mean, violent, and crazy. Some people can't take tests. They go blank, forget everything, and can't concentrate. Me? Well, I'm a homicidal pregnant woman. This realization has slowly dawned on me over the past three weeks. Not coincidentally, that's the same amount of time that KGII has been living with me.

I thought what happened the first time with the FOB was a freak occurrence. I had good reason to feel angry towards him. He wouldn't stop drinking and smoking pot and I was obsessed with him staying home (something he would die before doing). He would come home from the bar and I would light into him. Unfortunately, we were a couple of fights away from a domestic violence call because as I would escalate, he would escalate along with me. I had a vision of my life and realized I was going to be seven months pregnant, getting the cops called on me for beating up FOB with a shoe. I didn't want that life and I didn't want that life for my child so I left as fast as I could.

Now I'm with KGII and all of the rage is coming back. KGII has been alternating between sharing my bed and sleeping on the couch. Every morning I wake up at 4:30am or 5am and he's somewhere I want to be. I usually wake him up, forcibly, and tell him to get off the couch so I can lay down and watch tv. Every morning I see him sleeping blissfully while I battle another round of insomnia. He just looks so happy and it makes me want to stab him, repeatedly, with a butter knife. Seriously, I get so irrationally angry at someone who has the gall to sleep while my body wakes me up that I have to control myself from taking a pillow and covering his face, especially when he's snoring.

I can see that I should feel bad about these feelings and I openly discuss them with KGII. He says that I'm just being hormonal, which completely invalidates all of my feelings, but how can you validate physical violence? What's crazy is that at one point in my life (see: not pregnant times) I considered myself a pacifist. I've never been in a fist fight. I don't regularly hit adults or children. I feel possessed by a demon. A very, very angry little demon.